I'll just say it up front, just in case you might have any delusions about this: you will never be happy. I'm not joking, you will never be happy and that's why I am writing this guide for you. I'm that kind. I am willing to take time out from my blissful existence of pure happiness, to tell you all the wonderful ways in which people who are not you will achieve happiness, so you can be happy for them. Of course, when I say feel happy I could also mean be jealous. But that's psychological semantics, let's not get stuck in that.

What is happiness?

This question has been on the mind of many government secret research facilities the world over, since finding the answer to it means total control over your subjects. I think you can feel where this is going. happiness is control. CONTROL! you heard me, and you know it's true. Of course one could say there are subtle differences between happiness and control. For instance, "happiness" is not really a verb. You cannot "happiness" someone, whereas you can quite easily control them. Again, this is semantics and to be honest that's boring and would recude my happiness, which you're not really worth I think will agree, so let us move on.

How do we obtain happiness?

Though of course it is exceedingly unlikely that you be included in we, there's several tactics that all lead to happiness in those who know about it. I may inadvertently be telling you too much, but I am willing to take that chance. If at some point you discover you actually are perfetly happy, remember that I can be contact in peson to negotiate a transfer of worldly posession as repayment.

- sexually induced happiness

I won't beat about the bush (innuendo intended, of course) and tell you straight up (more innuendo) that this is the amateur's happiness. Of course we all enjoy the carnal pleasures that God gave us a body for to have in his infinite wisdom, but he was also sensible enough to make sure it wasn't so enjoyable it'd be the only thing you'd do in life. We'll come to the other things later (you guessed it, more...). sexual happiness is brief, and requires lots of exercise if you want it to last. The tantric approach is known to prolong the happiness but no matter how you twist and turn it (oh baby) at some point the male reproductive part will exhibit bliss, and then typically the happiness recedes. This is why it's the amateur's happiness: it only lasts as long as you do, and we all know you have limits. That's the way you are, that's the way it is, If course if you're a she you can enjoy sexual happiness for a bit longer, what with there being at least three excitable areas in the reproductive area, but even you will at some point run out of steam and happiness gets converted into a numb whining sensation. So regardless of your gender, sexual happiness is more of an incident than a way of life. That won't do.

- happiness through eating

We all know the power of food, be it a gorgeous $100 italian lunch, or a Ken's Belly Buster Burger at 4 in the morning. Food makes us happy. Well, sort of, food we like makes us happy. Food we don't like generally tends to make us unhappy, so I'd like to recall a little illustrative story: once upon a time there was a king who wished upon somethingorother that had the power to grant wishes to dine every evening on the best meal he ever had. After hearing this wish, the somethingorothers do their thing, the king's wish gets granted, yadayada, and at some point it becomes impossible for his cooks to make dishes that surpass the ones they made the day before; long story short, he dies, because that way the wish is not undone: no "perfect dinner" to eat if you're dead. The moral of the story is you should never want wishes to become true because you're not smart enough to phrase them carefully enough, but that aside the secondary moral is that happiness through eating might kill you. Also, there is the possibility that if you keep eating you become a 350 pound monstrosity that requires jerry springer to get you out of your house. Not a very happy-making image I think you will agree.. so let us move on.

- happiness through alcohol, or perhaps just "mind altering drugs" in general

Now, in all fairness, if you're going for short term happiness, but for some reason or other the first option in this listing is unavailable to you, you can always rely on good old alcohol to save the day. If you do it right, you can stretch the wonders of low-level poisoning through alcohol for quite a long time, and week-long drunken stupors are not impossible, but there is a downside - sobering up. The problem with happiness from a bottle is that while the happiness is quite hurray, the fact that you feel like you died but someone forgot to tell your body this makes for a very twisted version of happiness. Kind of the happiness a masochist enjoys but then without the self-mutilation. Unless you get into barfights I suppose, but I'm not here to judge you. Another option is just "mind altering drugs" in general, be they natural such as shrooms, weeds or coke, or chemical such as E, crystal meth or LSD. All these substances provide a high quality happiness, but the crap you get when you snap out of your happiness usually doesn't weigh up to the still somewhat shortlived happiness you get out of it. I mean, just watch trainspotting for crying out loud. Do you want to find yourself in a toilet bowl with your head covered in human fecal matter? I thought not.

- professional hedonism

Now this is more like it. A professional hedonist experiences happiness from anything that is entertaining or enjoyable - but there is a terrible curse with professional hedonism, and we in the biz' call it boredom. This is deadly, because when the devil wrote up the hedonistic contract he managed to work in an insanely clever bit of clause specifying suicide as entertaining. Admittedly, there is a certain logic to the idea that as long as you die while being happy, your life was worth it, but then there is also a certain idiocy in offing yourself just because you couldn't think of anything to do. I mean honestly, what kind of happiness tries to kill you? Don't be tempted by the professional hedonist - his ways are delicious, but it's better to just exploit their parties and then head off home when the daggers emerge. Seriously, you don't want to clean that shit up. Add to that the fact that most professional hedonists also tend to incorporate the first three happiness attaining strategies and while you can see the allure, imagine watching a 350 pound man gorging himself on rack of lamb while trying to be pleased by a woman of dubious moral, while bathing in his own beer sweat and I think you will agree that unless you are this man, you're going to be feel cheated in your happiness... no happy man should have to endure that sight.

- love

Ah love... was it but an ounce of love that shone upon us our happiness were complete... yeah or not. Seriously, love is a wonderful thing, and while you're in love you might feel as happy as anyone has ever been, but the slumps you hit when you realise that love is not unconditional (unless you buy a pet dog or something, I hear those things are stupid enough to give unconditional love a go). The problem is quite simply one word: trust. Well okay, maybe a few more: "trust... once you feel happy enough to bestow it, you know that at any moment it can be abused with devastating effect". Kind of kills the happiness thing if you worry about whether or not you are actually justified in trusting the other party to not lie to you, or cheat on you, or have thoughts that you might think impure (like ones involving badgers in nurse outfits), or use up your money, or lay claim to all your free time, or ... well the list can go on indefinitely really, love genuinely sucks when you start thinking about all the ifs. No wonder everyone makes fun of emos, if they didn't they'd have to publically admit that their happy loving life is a festering pool of uncertaintly under the pretense of trust... I don't see much happiness in the preceding paragraph.

- financially inspired happiness

Ahh, now here we reach an interesting concept. Let's say you're rich. No, actually, let's say you're wealthy. As in the "I just bought a new jet, but my bank account still shows roughly the same balance" wealth. That'd make me happy. Plus every time you'd be unhappy, you could simply think of something you'd like to do to become happy again, and you could go do it! One problem though; taxes. I mean sure you could move to something like monaco but you'd still be giving money to people who have no good reason to demand it other than that you live in their country. And can you just opt-out of the whole country deal? Noooo, people demand you have this outdated concept of nationality. In all fairness though, financial wealth is probably your best bet at becoming happy, if but for one downside. Financial wealth can be obtained by three means. 1) hard work, 2) high crime or 3) inherit it. Usually we can rule out 3. If you aren't wealthy yet, then your parents aren't wealthy enough to make you wealthy when they die. The end. On the other hand, if you want to become wealthy through a life of crime, there's the whole interpol thing. Do things that make you wealthy enough, and you can be apprehended in any country in the world, especially western countries. Which sucks, because it's unlikely you're going to learn Chinese or any of the Indian languages and hide out in asia, you'd miss all the good football matches and high-life clubs too much. So that leaves hard work. Now, I have heard it said that hard work sets you free, but this is not a guide to freedom, it's a guide to happiness. If you have to constantly worry about whether your business is generating enough revenue that you suddenly need your wealth to sporadically (or frequently) "get away" then what's the use?

- stop caring

No, by far the best strategy is to just stop caring. This remarkably simple choice in life makes you spectacularly happy - no matter what the situation, it can't get you down, because you just don't care. Does it make you happy? well... who cares, really, if you use this strategy you certainly don't, so that's another problem solved.

Yes my friends, truly the way to happiness is by voiding it through non-caring. I can hear you wonder "but then why this guide? don't you not care, mister PmI?" To which the answer is very noble, actually. I am your samyaksambuddha. I have already reached enlightenment, but have decided to postpone my own happiness in order to teach you the ways of ignoring it. I know, this is a very selfless thing to do, and if you feel particularly appreciative, feel free to donate your monies to me, just before implementing the non-caring strategy, and then while you rejoice in the fact that you are better than I am, really, I shall try to get the next best thing, through hidden financial option number 4.


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