You clicked here in the hope to find anything useful on the topic that fires your synapses everyday. You should know better. This page will be crammed so full of information, your head will spin with the mere details of the beverage you just order as ?one coffee please?... You?re missing out. You?ve visited Starbucks too much. You?re missing the reason why coffee is sooooooooooooo good. [author?s note: do not use coffee intravenously. while this sounds good, it will kill you without the buzz before you die. so don?t, okay?]

COFFEE: where did it come from? the correct answer would be: ?Why do you care, as long as you can get some.? right? alright then.

Coffee was ported from africa to arabia, where it was the only ?stimulating? beverage allowed. Alcoholicia were banned by religion (and still is), so they couldn?t drink it (no blavod, what a fate). Of course, very soon, they discovered that coffee was 'fikkin sweet', and they cultivated the greatest of plants to it?s fullest potential: the Coffea Arabica. Then of course, time went on, people thought of new ideas to drink it, and now we're here. So let?s look at the way you can make coffee, shall we?

The roasting:

We can only imagine what the first person though when he burnt a bush, decided that the charred beans looked too solid, crushed them with a rock, and accidentally spilled them in a hot spring, and discovered the scent made him bury his face in the brownish ?water?, but we DO know that that?s how you make coffee.Uunless you want that weird Xpensive coffee from some asian country of which the ripe beans first get eaten by a small fox (or rat, opinions differ here) and then get excremented, AFTER which we clean em and burn em and grind em and boil em and drink em, and it's delicious.

The beans:

The Coffea Arabica
The best coffee, and the only coffee that can be drunk on its own, unblended. Or so they want us to believe. in fact, all coffee can be drunk on it?s own, they just don't taste good. Arabica will. It only grows around equatorial heights with a mountainous subtropical climate.

Not many places qualify, but we do have some on this earth. Like Jamaica =)

The Coffea Canephora a.k.a. Robusta
Robusta will grow in lower altitutes, hotter temperatures, and are more disease-resistant than Arabica plants. Therefore, Robusta coffees are cheap(er)

The other beans are worth nothing to me. they're just variation of the same plant with different bred qualities, like more acidity, or less power.. so forget about it. Arabica and Robusta. that?s all you ever need to know. except 'blue mountain'... NEVER forget that name.

And to make sure you don?t, a brief description of coffees:

Jamaica Blue Mountain
You pay through the nose to drink this stuff. it's 35 quid per pound, and it tastes... like Geyo Blue Mountain.

Geyo Blue Mountain
You pay 10 quid per pound, and it tastes great.

It?s egytian and it's an arabica. you'll love it

Papua New Guinea
Morning coffee. unless you need to wake up.

Yemen Mocha Matari
Yemen blew itself up. literally. This coffee type has been destroyed for ever. it was concidered by almost every conaisseur as one of the best coffees in the whole world. I weep for the loss.

I'd go on but I?m low on coffee and I need to actually purchase these 'flavors' to tell you what they really taste like. So forget about it. on to...

The grinding:

This is just fun. there is no need for it, but it?s a great time killer. Plus you can imagine the beans are really tiny mountain goats trying to climb the mountainwalls. and then you crush them. those pityful little mammals with their.. um.. what I mean is..

small electric grinder
Enough for one double espresso's worth I'd say. which is good, if you?re new to coffee.

large elctric grinder.
Add a pound of coffee, get a pound of coffee. I need one.

hydraulic press.
Faster and flatter than an elephant with an airhole.

pack of wild heyna's
They don't grind very much coffee, but they're cute when they're ferocious, and they can bite clean through your arm, bone and all! now THAT?s a set of jaws to envy.


The distilling:

 The Cona
this greek thingamajiggly is actually extremely simple. It consists of two glass bowls which are connected by a thin glass tube. you put your coffee in the upper bowl, and your water in the lower bowl. when you apply a flamethrower to the lower bowl, it?ll melt. So just heat over normal fire, and the boiling water will force itself through the tube to the coffee on top. mmm.. brewing.. Anyway, the underpressure created when the thing is taken off the fire causes the coffee to be sucked down again. You just take off the top bowl, and voila! coffee!

The Percoulator
Rather a similar method, except it work with three stages. And it?s italian. you place your water in the lower compartment, stick your coffee in the second, and the boilig steam will force it's way through the grind, cool down just a bit, and boil through the little pipe, into your can. perfect. don?t smell the coffee sludge (or rather, coffee-cookie) left in the percolator if you forget to clean it immediatly. It turns into very dangerous powder... I know... it hurts my nose very much =(

The Mr. coffee
Yeah, it's okay if you need coffee and have a minimum of energy. You load the coffee grind in a filter, and stick it in the machine thingy, add some water somewhere completely else, and turn it on. a dripping noise will mean that coffee is being made.

the Cowboy-can
Fun =) it's a perculator but twisted. you add the water in the can, and it boils over a ?cup? of coffee, and then the coffee fals back in the water, etc. etc. you end up with (depending on the amount of vaporisation that goes skywards) strong, very strong and paste-like coffee.

Indonesian Coffee
Boil water, add coffee grind. sift. drink. only for the not-faint of hearted. It's not entirely bad. There are 'design' variations on the thing, with little cups that have a little sifter that you press down, and the coffee will be trapped.. but it?s the same idea.

Farmer's Coffee
Add water, add coffee grind, THEN boil. Completely disgusting. don?t do this. I?m serious. if you do, I'll come by to rip out your lungs and show them to you while I pour aluminium-epoxy resin down where your spine used to be. don?t get me started here.

Mr. Espresso
You lock you coffee in a rubber-sealed handle. steam is forced through it at about 10 bar. This can do various things:

1) the handle was not secured. this will cause a 'fly-off-the-handle' and coffee and hot water EVERYWHERE! plus it can hurt a lot.

2) the handle was secure, but you forgot to clean the thing. water will force it's way around the rubber seals. this gets messy. Plus you start doubting that your coffee will still taste good. you will end up throwing it in the sink.

3) your espresso machine is new. you will get a beautyful cup of frothy coffee

4) you don?t have an espresso machine. you?re only reading this guide. get up, go to a shop, and get one, dammit. Do you think I?m just here to entertain you? NO! NOW GET SOME COFFEE!

So much for the ways in which to make coffee. I know there are more, but I can?t be fudged to walk upstairs and look at my chart-o-coffeemaking. so on to the WAYS in which you can drink coffee. oh, fun.

American Coffee
Espresso diluted with boiling water. the wimps.

Cafe Breve
Espresso with steamed half-n-half

Cafe Con Panna
With whipped cream

Cafe Correcto
Alcolised. DO NOT USE BLAVOD FOR THIS. I?m serious, that?s just bad.

Cafe Freddo
Chilled espresso in a chilled glass. You don?t like this, this has to grow on you. much like coffee itself.

Cafe Latte / Cafe au lait
75% steamed milk, 25% coffee and 25% steamed milk, 75% coffee. which do YOU prefer?

Cafe Mocha
With cocoa or chocolat syrup, topped with veeppid kreem.

Concentrated espresso. more than a double espresso, it's the quantity of the double espresso, in a normal espresso cup, IE: the stuff you are drinking right now. usually served with a longdrink of pure water for that ?SHIT I DRANK GRIND.. situations.

Espresso with a topping of fluffed milk. remember: you drink this in the morning. and at NO OTHER TIME. (in italy). the rest of europe has no clue how to make a cappuccino. you make it in a big soup bowl, and top it with plenty of fluffed milk. I know I?ve been unfaithfull to the cause, but trust, me I?m drinking my coffee black again, and my cappuccinos are no longer filthed with extra milk and sugar.

Cappucino Chiaro
Cappucino Light Edition v0.3

Cappucino Scuro
Cappucino v2.0, ?now with more coffee?

Half a cup'o'joe. While this sounds very nice, this is of course impossible. half a cup is still a whole cup. don?t try to understand this. just never order one, m?K?

Double espresso. IE: two espressos, in a single big cup. Why do coffee-bar people have so much difficulty with this concept? ?A double espresso please.? ?Do you want that double strength, or half the water sir?? uh-oh... ?NO YOU TWATFACE: 2 ESPRESSO?S, IN A SINLE, LARGE CUP. DAMN YOU!?

Not an official value, this is four espressos in a normal cup. or two ristrettos in a normal cup. if about a pound of coffee for a normal espresso cup. Yum!

You know what it is. high-pressure coffee. usualy 1 ? ounce of grind

Espresso Macchiato
With a touch of foamed milk

Espresso Romano
With a slice of dead lemon

Figure it out. I don?t expect you to EVER drink this. grrr.

Latte Macchiato
Latte with a touch of espresso (where did they come up with this stuff??)

There. you now know more about coffee than you ever did. and you?ll never need to learn anything else.

except one thing:

The Coffee Machine in the hallway
This machine is not a coffee amchine at all. it was made by a bunch of electrical engineers who don?t CARE about coffee. they all drink decaf, or lemonade. or alcohol. all of which have no place in the coffee machine. It usually has this typical setting:

Coffee - you get instant coffee diluted with almost boiling water.

Espresso - you get that, but with half the water.

Mocha - again, but only quarter of the water.

Milk - condensed milk meant to be shipped to the atlantic and then dumped.

Sugar - THIS is the only ingredient of the whole damn machine that?s actually what you think it is. it?s sugar. your basic C6-H12-O6(inv C6-H12-O6) compound. Sacharose. UNLESS you happen to work in a company that ?cares about you?. then it?s fikkin nutrasweet. Which doesn?t taste a BIT like sugar. where the hell did they coome up with this crap?!

Anyway, so much for this guide to coffee.. it may not have been hilarious, but that?s because I'm trying to make you aware of something here. hello, are you listening? oh damn, you?ve gone into coffee-induced motoric distortion.



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