Flying has always been man's dream. Either that, or being naked on a secluded island with heaps of naked people from the opposite sex. Since I'm NOT going to tell you how to do that (gway! it's MY island) I'll tell you how to achieve flight.

Flight comes in a few forms. Here is a short list of the ones you know, know not, and will never be able to achieve.

Plummet : the most normal and pretty much the only one we've learned to live with is "Plummet". A short burst of flight followed by an abrupt stop and possibly physical injury. this usually occurs unintentionally.

Jump : jump is a technical short flight followed by a controlled landing. It's distance varies, and so does it's covered height. Jump is seldom accompanied by physical injury.

Leap : A Leap is more elaborate form of "jump". It is a controlled flight followed by a more or less controlled landing. this is usually accompanied by minor injuries.

Hurl : The most complex and elaborate of "jumps". It is completely controlled except for the landing, which usually involves impact of some sort. injuries are either plentiful or strangely absent. These cover the basic flights know to man. We have tries some other things though...

Fall : If performed from a high enough distance, vertical flight can be achieve for a reasonable extended period of time. Sadly, the amount of time spent in "Fall" flight has an inverse relationship to the life-expectancy of the flightee. after four seconds, you'll experience major difficulties sustaining life upon landing, and after six seconds, we can only hope you have a dental record.

Chute Fall : Chute Falls are controlled falls, which use an ergatz floating membrane to perform aireal movement. This flight can be quite painful if the membrane is deployed too late. Injuries might occur even if deployed correctly.

Chute Fall with wood tied to feet: The piece of wood tied to the feet can be used to achieve rapid directional changes while in flight, prior to deploying the membrane. It is the human equivalent of leisure flight in birds. There are also forms of flight involving upward flight. these use some gadgets to work well.

Hot air Balloon : you are inside a little basket that is flying uncontrollably in a direction you may not want to. Avoid woodpeckers. Shoot them down if necessary. Use phasers on "stun" only.

Delta Wing : You are strapped to a big triangular membrane and "jump" off a high object. the Theory is that the membrane will be caught by the wind, and will carry you place. you have control over the direction you will fly. using a "delta wing" does mean that you need to find a proper place to land, as landings can be quite uncontrolled, and may result in terminal injury.

Tug plane : you are strapped in a big bird like machine of light material, and either winched or towed into air. after achieving flight, finding colliding pockets of variably infrared radiant air will allow you to either descend or ascend depending on your skill and determination. The wings can for some reason not be moved. This is known as a "fixed wing" model.

Unfixed Wing : flying in this device will result in death.

Prop Plane : This device is a mechanical motorised bird with fixed wings. it can fly as long as it has food. the second it runs out of food, you must either perform a "chute fall" or prepare to leave this world.

Ultralite : This is a mix of the "delta wing" mentioned earlier, and the "prop plane", also mentioned earlier. it is a one person flight vehicle, and will fly for a long time. it requires clear ground for landing, or a "chute fall" for immediate landing.

Jet plane : capable of flying faster than a bird, this device will let you fly for very long periods of time with slight chances of death after a blackout during a fast turn depending onthe make and model.

JumboJet : uncontrolled flight for the masses

Jumbojet with GSM phones allowed : uncontrolled landing for the masses

Jumbojet with C4 : uncontrolled "Fall" for the the masses

SR-71 : a device that will allow you to go faster than a speeding bullet a it leaves the barrel of a rifle. this is fast. this speed also means that the chance of injury is high. at these speeds, pebbles on the road will kill you, therefore do not attempt to fly it on the road. for air-use only! and avoid condors. they tend to dislike SR-71 planes. they will intentionally fling themselves towards it in a kamikaze attempt to get rid of it. successfully too most of the time.

F22 : a flight device which also packs enough destructive power to take out monaco. this device should only be used to take out monaco.

There is one last item that allows you to fly, but not for very long.

space shuttle : achieves extremely controlled high speed flight for a duration of roughly 3 minutes. flight will terminate abruptly without the occurrence of death. this is due to the sudden lack of gravity. Exiting the vehicle at this point *will* result in death.

Then there is a fabled method of flight that has not been yet confirmed in existence:

Float : The float is achieved by spending a lifetime meditating on "flight" and spending time sharpening the mind to focus on float. you will not need artificial means to achieve flight. apparently, this can only be done with one's eyes closed, which can be a minor inconvenience. Especially with condors around.

Flight is good, controlled flight is better, controlled landing is best.


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