Evolution.... or the in's, the out's and what I had for lunch.
Let me tell you a little story, the story of Adam and Eve. If you have not heard about it, read about it or seen the movie then I suggest you don?t. And if you have heard/read/seen about it then for get all of it as it is total and udderly rubbish! Why?... because int13h knows better!.
What does Adam and Eve have to do with Evolution? Well supposedly Adam and Eve being the first 'people' would have some loving moments thus creating the human race. This is partially true but they missed out something quite important as the book went to the printers for mass consumption by the 'ever looking for an exciting love story' loving crowd that we are (not me by the way). So what really happened?
Well it was true that they were here first but the truth be known that Eve was not happy with the easy life and did not immediately become attracted to Adam as it all seemed to easy for her. She loved the challenge of the chase and after some late nights and lots of bottles of blavod and other mass marketed alcoholic beverages they, through the state of drunkenness, engaged in the glorious act of physically 'gettin' it on. This in turn created the being that would accidentally create the human race.
The first problem they ran into upon the birth of one of the most important beings in existence was "what the hell do we call him?". Of course due to the fact that no-one had invented the book of baby names at that point in time they gave up all rational thought and said "Sod it, we can just call him Bob.". Bob had a good life in his early days, roaming the country side and admiring the fantastic and wonderful world that his mum and dad had been living in this whole time. Bob sampled all the fruits of life, enjoying every new and exciting experience he encountered. Until one day he fell ill.
Strikened with illness he could not even muster the strength to sit up and drink his daily jug of milk freshly squeezed from the udders of his mother, which she left by his pile of hay that he called a bed. So when he reached over and grabbed the jug with his small hooves and tried to pour the milky goodness into his mouth whilst lying down, his small hooves could not grip the weighted jug and as it slipped from his weak grasp the contents of said jug gushed out and filled his mouth surprising Bob. Gasping for a breath of air he coughed up the creamy milk and spat it all over a medium sized rock (well just smaller then medium but lets not be picky) and the creamy milk soaked rock rolled out the barn door and right into the direct sunshine where it would remain for many days and nights.
As time passed on, Bob found that being a lazy bum was getting nowhere so he decided to go to college where he would get distracted and end up becoming a drug addict. Subsequently Adam and Eve, trying to rekindle there once passionate love interests in one another moved to Vegas, won a small fortune, got drunk and ended up getting married at the 'Little white chapel' before losing all their money. Eve, not happy with not living the high life anymore decided to sue Adam for every penny he had locked up in various savings investments. Once the court passed the verdict in favor of Eve various restraining orders and such ensued until 2 weeks after the fateful night Adam decided life was not worth living and he became a TV evangelist. Eve later died of a cocaine addition after being sold what she thought was her next fix which ultimately turned out to be washing power. *aahhhhhuuuhhhh* Now where were we?
The unknown locations of our three heroes has lead us back to the track, which should tell us how we became us. Does it? Yeah why not. Remember the rock splattered in cows milk that rolled in to the sunshine and lay there for many days and many nights? I did not put that in there to make the story seem longer, hell no that?s what this nonsense is for! Well you know what happens to creamy milky cream that gets warm for a long period of time (way past its sell by date), like stale bread, it gets moldy and mold is a growing life form and if left long enough can begin to grow at an alarming rate.
This collection of mold eventually got bored of sitting there all day doing nothing so it decided it would grow some cells that for the sake of it we will call brain cells as they would allow our budding organism to perform basic thoughts like, "its warm here" and "umm". These were very important to the vital growth of the mold as after a length of time (unknown to me, so just make up your own) it got bored of thinking that all the time and decided that 'well if I can grow 3 brain cells then I can sure as hell grow some more' thus becoming cleaver enough to realize that sitting in the sun all the time would keep reminding itself of the, now getting really old, thought "its warm here".
After much thought and thinking the mold worked out a way of moving by wobbling back and forth which ultimately ended up in the rock rolling over and crushing most of the mold. But hey, at least it was not always thinking it was too warm. After another period of time the mold (what was left of it) grew strong enough to move the rock itself and it began moving around of its own free will. As time went on the mold started to understand more and more about its surroundings and adapted itself to challenges that stood in its way. Eventually the mold thought about how it could make life more interesting, so it split into 2 and then there were two molds both with the same goals in life.
As mold grew in both numbers and intelligence, some molds had learned to change their appearance in the hope that other molds would be able to distinguish between the many other molds. Some molds grew bigger then other molds which kind of created some kind of a competitive spirit between the molds. As the competitive nature of the molds grew their sizes grew and then when they realized that growing bigger then each other was not getting them any where they decided that fighting was the answer.
Enter the prehistoric age of the Dinosaurs, Highly evolved dino-molds would fight against each other trying to prove who was better at being a mold then the other mold. The simple minds had been so caught up in being big that they were convinced that the sole purpose for being was to kill other molds that stood in the way. These other molds came in all shapes and sizes. Famous molds such the Terradacmold, the T-rexmold, the Tricerramold and the bracciamold got printed in papers all over the land and ended up in the mold hall of fame. While this form of life style suited most molds, there was a super breed of molds that decided killing each other was not the answer and without having to concentrate on growing and becoming more powerful or indeed learning the ancient art of Karate/kung-fu, they choose to learn about life and its surroundings. Upon learning that the next ice age was due and that no matter how many rocks they hid under they could not escape the battling dino-molds they learned the mold-mind trick. Later made famous by the Jedi's. Using it they managed to convince a strong dino-mold to dig them a tunnel and under ground habitat for them to live in for the duration of the ice age. And it worked.
After many years the molds grew into various life forms such as plants and insects each, by using their super brainy moldly minds, decided on a role suited to improving society rather then for personal gain. Eventually some molds were required to help seek out new lands and control molds that had lost the plot and thus the stronger but not dino-mold sized creatures started to form. As the call for more powerful and so smarter molds increased civilization started to form. Stuck with the history of how that last world ended up before the ice age they had certain limits they would not over step such as growing bigger then the next mold and so on. As time passed on the molds evolved many times, each with something better and more useful. But the resultant effect would be the loss of memories about the past. As the creatures became animals and the animals became humans the new race of super hyper mega molds lost all recollection of the past and we became fixated with the future of life and how things will get better as time goes on. Year.. 2001, Population....65 billion. We have come along way since the mold on a rock but our basic thoughts remain the same, such as "its too hot" or "hmmm".
Ever notice how when you are ill there is a substance called penicillin that helps you get better? The reason for this is your mold levels are getting low and being as penicillin is basically mold this restores the much needed life levels that are contained within your highly evolved body of mold. When an 'over-weighted' person lies in the same position for a extended period of time do you notice that mold starts to appear? This is a basic thought of the more primitive mold thinking "its to hot here". As you can see life is not the 'Adam and Eve lived together happily every after.. oh and the human race was created' story you were lead to believe. It is infact a story about the struggle for survival in a world of terror, evil and destruction. A world where hard hitting realities such as drug addiction and cheap marriages in Vegas are not the solution to problems best resolved with a bullet in the head. Thanks for watching and please... look after yourselves and each other.
I did mention that Adam, Eve and Bob were cows right? You all got that one yeah? Oh and I had a rather nice Chicken tikka roll for lunch.