YDKS about The Big Bang


Welcome to reality. Where I stand up, and point out to you that ?You don?t know shit about the big bang?E.. and other assorted things related to this issue

I write this because it?s true. Let?s face it, you?re looking at this monitor going ?Yeah I do, I?m stephen hawkin, I set the STANDARD on the big bang?E.. well you?re still wrong. You see the universe did sort of become an existential matter cluster with a big bang, but it?s like the old saying: ?if a universe explodes and there?s no one to here it, does it have elasticity, or do we need more raindeer??E
Remember, this was a saying before the universe sprang into being, so it was all hypothetical until actually there appeared to BE raindeer.. now it just doesn?t make much sense. That put aside, let?s educate you a bit on what the universe really started out as.


There was once absolutely nothing. [Realise that this nothing is significantly different from a vacuum - see experiment 1]

This nothing contained, quite paradoxically, every last bit of matter that was ever needed. Hence, the muon-computer already existed in this nothingness... now I know you might raise an eyebrow and wonder how that?s possible, but if you use a basic analogy I think you?ll understand. Imagine that ?nothing?Ebeing like this big bobbed up silk shirt that you can fit in your fist easily, but which is basically just a regular silk XL shirt... now put a bug in it. Granted, you need to do this with a shirt that isn?t yours. Now bob it up again.

There is now, hidden in the shirt, a bug. This is analogous to our ?there is matter in nothing?Etheory. Because nothing can be bobbed up pretty damn tight, there?s no way to see how much matter there actually was. But we ?DO- know there was an outlet, and sort of this fancy computer thing.

and there was light.. not just any light.. when the great universal switch was flipped, it turned out some idiot had forgotten to put a proper fan on the processor, so it burned to a crisp.. and since it used capton wiring instead of regular wiring, the thing pretty much exploded...

and that's how we got silicon in the universe.

Now this had as effect that other matter sort of ?fell through the tears in the silk?Eas it were. Your basic elements like gold, platinum and squirrel were hurled into space at tremendous speeds. This cause an amazing amount of friction with the newly formed ?gravity?E(remember, fruit is made of the same things as gold is, therefor gold has gravity too.. don?t try to dispute this logic with me, I know it?s true, you just need to follow my example) slowed down things a bit. Just enough to make the really funky stuff happen.

?moo??Eyou ask, and the answer to that question must be a wholehearted ?Yes! Exactly!?E
For when neutron stars became reality, the matter wave, had there been ears to hear it, that was produced was not entirely unlike the compression of air that yields the earth-cow "moo" if heard by inhabitants of that same planet who can identify it as such. However, back to astrophysics, the neutron stars caused a pretty funky firework, which sort of singed the silk. This caused the entire shirt to just fall apart, and the resulting fire gave birth to two things: spectral energy of the continuos kind, which was still sort of missing, and antimatter.. which could be observed by the burning silk stopping to burn after a while.

A small theological digression must be made here.

Because the shirt had fallen apart, the basic deities that would come to be worshipped all over the universe felt kinda naked. This made them fairly angry, so they also contributed some random destructive energy into the new universe. This energy manifested itself in the form of super-condensed pornography thus resulting in a black hole. One of the many to follow I must say. If you think black holes are caused by imploding stars, you obviously don?t know shit about black holes either... it?s a good job that you can go and read Spooky's YDKS on black holes, so we can correct that mistake.

About now, the universe looks like this giant pool table, except with much, MUCH more balls, and in 3D.. and more pockets too...

As any physisist will tell you, it?s impossible to calculate more than 69 consecutive collisions without the gravitational pull of every fruit atom in the universe mattering, so the universe thought it?d forgo math and just launch a few objects at each other and see what happened.

The result is the good ol?Efamiliar universe we know today. Full of basically boring things like nebula and radio pulsars, as well as hyperbolic super-luminous intersection with the paired red shift... it?s gotten a bit dull since that initial ?pop?E...

I see you looking at me going.. ?but but... this is all wrong!?E

I shall prove that it?s not.

[Experiment 1]

The goal of this experiment is to show that ?nothing?Eis different from vacuum. You will need for this experiment:

- a vacuum cleaner
- a fishtank (fish optional)
- a helium balloon
- liquid nitrogen
- a golf club #7, wood
- a spacial warp of the einsteinian kind (newtonian just won?t do on this one kiddies, sorry)
- microwave foil
- duct tape (if you don?t have this, you?re a sad individual)

the Experiment:

look at the fishtank. It?s empty. It?s basically filled with air, and we?re going to remove that. Duct-tape the top closed with the microwave foil, but make sure the vacuum cleaner is sticking into the tank, like so:

         | | - vacuum cleaner
---------| |--------  - foil
|        air       |
|__________________| - fish tank

now switch on the vacuum cleaner. After a good 2 minutes the tank should now be ?empty?E In effect, it is filled with ?nothing?E

This can be verified by comparing it to the vacuum: take the nitrogen, and pour it over the vacuum cleaner. Place the space warp next to the cleaner (see fig 1.1). Now take the golf club, and apply ISO 152.3-2d to the very cold vacuum cleaner (see fig 1.2) the result should be like in figure 1.3

    _______        ___________
  /        ______/   ______  |     - vacuum cleaner
                   /      |             
   _________________     /_|    @  - spacial warp
     O                  `---- E

Fig 1.1
    _______       ________/_
  /        ______/   ____/  |
=========================[D   ----------- golf club
  _________________   /  /_|         @
     O               `-/--- E

Fig 1.2
=================[D              ..aaaaaaa.. 
                               ...aaa @aaaaa....
                   stuff -        .aaaaaa.

Fig 1.3

The ?stuff?Ehere is actually air and assorted bits of vacuum (cleaner, but vacuum nonetheless). Not this looks nothing like what?s in the fishtank. Now inhale the helium and have fun for a moment, the second experiment is more important because it proves I?m right about this whole thing...

Experiment 2

You need:

- 1 P4 processor, new
- capton wiring
- a switch
- an industrial submarine battery
- conducting superglue
- space

take space.
Place the P4 into this space, and superglue the wire to the connectors for the P4. then superglue the other ends to 1 part of the switch. Attached other end of switch to more wire, and attach that part to the submarine battery.
Flip the switch as shown:
  __          _/_
pre-flip   post-flip

Now watch me be right!
Once again, I?ve been your tutor for the day, I hope you realised how right I am and that you really didn?t know shit about the big bang (and stuff related to that).


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