Drunken Guides

a guide to a guide to writing guide to when you're sodding drunk?

Don't argue with me.

It's a simple rule that I like to enforce by using various ISO applications that you don't know. I?m tanked. While I am tanked, good ol? nightmare (who you may remember from such fine works as the ?guide to... evolution? and ?guide to? cockney rhyming slang?) recommended I write a guide to writing guides while drunk...

In effect, welcome to PmI's "Guide to... writing a guide while drunk".

I have to admit, this is a rather interesting job. One of the main things that makes writing guides amusing is the fact that I can share my wisdom of the world with you, and perhaps improve your chances of survival.

Now, one of the things you notice when writing guides while being completely sodded is the amount of typos that you make. I shall give an example. The following is a piece of text not featuring any backspace whatsoever.

I will now editycayte you in te art of writing guides ahiwle being somcpleuetelu non-siober. Not hitting the bakcpwsapce buitting ois a frigging hell jostb FAEIOPF fawk.....

You may notice this is not entirely ideal. Your int13h crew battles this on a regular basis. The backspace key is our dear friend, and we on occasion offer small tokens of appreciation to it, like a bottle of blavod. This of course doesn't mean we ?actually- sacrifice the bottle... that would only upset the guide deities.. we usually just drink it.

Another strong point that we have to ensure in our guides is twofold actually. We have to

a) make you laugh, or make me look good
b) teach you something that you didn't already know

this last part is relatively easy, because I (I cannot speak for the entire of int13h, but my omniferiority complex dictates this) assume you come here knowing as much as the blank piece of paper I found in this IKEA kit. Granted, it has a few pictures, but that means pretty much nothing to me. I want you to learn something worthwhile. Something more or less worthwhile in the more complex meaning of the word ?worthwhile?. But back to the guide.

I was going to write about how to write a guide while drunk. This is in fact an arduous task. One has to battle the sober-pixies at all cost, and making sure the typo-gods are appeased. The other thing is to make sure the brain, while fuzzed, actually still is able to distinguish separate words.

** While writing this, I like to drink directly from the bottle of vodka that I have here. This is not a joke actually, I just did... mmmm.. vodka.... oversaturated with licorice powder... err.... Remember kids: intoxication is bad... **

Right about now I?d either start listing an experiment, if this were a YDKS (which it isn't because if you thought it was you seem to lack the basic internet browsing skills.. not to worry, I might eventually write a guide on browsing if this stupor ever ends...) or I?d start ranting on a listing of some sort. So let's do that, because it sounds like fun. The following listing is what you could consider generic material. Remember, PmI is utterly butterly, so the content may vary. This is another lesson you must learn in order to survive: there is no such thing as inapplicable generic listings. Also, never use the same listing twice.

Addendum: never use this generic listing ever again. (** note: run me over with sherman if I do)

1 - the first item is not meant to be anything of significance
2 - the second item is more important, it grazes the surface of the guide
3 - forget it. I need to change your attention for a moment. Maybe something with poodles
4 - relapse to item 2, only more elaborate... booze?
5 - something completely unrelated, maybe something feauturing groundhogs....

yeah in fact, let's make a small caption about groundhogs here. They're fun. Also, they make odd noises when you put them in the blender. That's why earmuffs are a plus. I recommend the old fashion USSR type earmuff, complete with hat and tigertank. That way, we can ruin the plans of those annoying savannah hyenas I?ve heard so much about. Or maybe that was a cartoon, I can't really think straight at the moment. Back to the guide I guess... where's my glass? Oh right.. straight from the bottle...


The point being that this far in the guide, it's often a good idea to explain some things in a slight higher detail in the hope that you understand what I?m saying. Except that usually my fingers don't ache from lactose acids... crap my muscles ache. I never had finger cramps before.. ever had this? It's hard to type.. ugh... what's the fun in writing if moving your fingers actually hurts? It's a good thing there isn't a willing shaven latino woman here now.. else I?d be in some major probbies here...

Which reminds me on an unrelated note to get back to the guide..

Eh screw it, I?ve had enough. This is a guide to writing a guide while being drunk. Now go out and buy yourself something strong, then drink it. That should make you care about this as much as I do. Then fire up a random word processing process (I recommend start->run->?cmd? -> ?more < guide.txt? following by writing, followed by ctrl-Z [enter] )


I've been Read about me in the daily newspaper, as it could possibly turn out I just harassed a member of the royal family utilizing earmuffs and a tigertank in improper orifices.....


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