Malsocial Tendencies

I know what you're thinking. you're thinking ?how can he know??. well, enough about that. I?m here to talk about malsocial tendencies. we all have them, and there's no point in denying it. The tendencies can range from meek to the hardcore l33t 'tudes that you see being spouted at malsocial occasions. (say, a trade show with not enough women).

Now, you might be wondering how this guide will evolve. Will it have detailed charts on the tendencies that might be considered malsocial? will it have an in-depth analysis of what makes people malsocial? will it answer where you put your left socks? or why your coffee machine seems to hate you? ... No.
Well, actually, I might do a chart. At this point in time, we need a new guide, so a chart is as good as that in-depth anicelicorice you mentioned. But easier. So here we go.

There is a distinction to be made here, rather immediately in the chart making process. You see, men and women have different approached to malsocial. Where males think heavy cursing and physical pain will help (it often does) women prefer the ?I?m going to scoop out your brain with my words? approach. which works extremely well on other women. However, when in mixed company, remember: the reason the men always go to jail is because it's not a crime to be a perpetual bitch, but manhandling is. Now that that's settled, we continue:

the male malsocial tendencies, as mentioned earlier, extend towards cursing and physical contact. There are, again, distinctions to be made in severity of the tendency. I will explain this using the scale-o-malsociality. This is basically a number between 0 and 4128 (the numbers 1 through 10) with a fancy name. The tendencies will be explained in words, because you don't have the capability to read my patented HTTP (hyper-thought-transfer-protocol) which I invented only just now. if you thought that was lame, you can go hump a moose and see if that WILL bring you more satisfaction. That last bit was an example of a low-intensity malsocial tendency. I?d give it a 3. But on to the scale:


0 - You are a perfect gentleman. Even something as repulsive as a level-10 cross-gender malsociality will not phase you. You are bound for extinction.

1 - You don't mind the occasional curse word as a retribution. however you conceder ?rosewater? and 'stapler? to be curse words.

2 - You don't mind the occasional curse word as a retribution. You use regular curse words

levels 0-2 are socially ?accepted?. what follows is the non-accepted malsociality

3 - you don't mind the occasional curse word as a retribution.

Your cursing involves specific and (probably) not too nice descriptions

4 - you don't mind cursing. What do you mean 'reason?? Your cursing involves specific and very disgusting descriptions

We now enter the zone-of-no return. Here, examples of tendencies must be given, as descriptions don't hack it anymore.

5 - During a not too exciting game of (whatever) on TV, you hit your buddy repeatedly whenever something bad happens, and blame him. basically, from this point up (down, whatever) it is assumed you have some kind of bitch somewhere that, for unknown reasons, allows this.

6 - in line with a varying amount of bad jokes, This guide too will also have no #6 as well.

7 - It's late and you're bringing your younger girlfriend back to her parent's place. as a farewell present, you deposit genetic material. Her father comes storming out complaining that you're denting his firebird convertible (he also objects to your procreative behavior with his daughter). You go upside his head.

8 - At a football game, you throw beer bottles on the field. with a catapult. called ?howitzer?... modified to accept beer bottles filled with marbles. And a small C4 core with an impact sensitive electrical trigger.

9 - At the McDonalds, you are charged the price of nine instead of six chicken nugget thingies. Instead of complaining, you rip out the cash register and savagely beat the manager with it, blaming him for the incompetence of his tellers. THEN you abuse the teller. then you get three extra nuggets, figuring that you paid for them anyway.

10 - You're at a party and your all-male friends are very, VERY drunk. you peer-pressure them into have an orgy and video tape it. Then sell the vid on the black market. Your notion of peer pressure is what normal human being conceder ?being forced at gunpoint?. You should be hunted down and killed. We don't want people like you.

Well that roughly sums up the male maltendencies I think. you might be confused about point #8. Well, originally, it read ?carpet tacks?. Then I realized that would kill every player, and probably some spectators too. so I used marbles. They hurt like hell, the glass will probably injure some players, but with a bit of luck, no one dies. On to the next category!

the female malsocial tendencies, extend towards very sly mind games and, IF prone to violence, *very* low blows.


0 - You are quite frankly dull as burnt sienna (which is very dull), but very nice to be with. too bad you don't use curse words, or the mid-day physical escapades would be enjoyable...

1 - you use positive wording to imply the negative. women seem very good at this. you're trying to imply things that are negative in the sense of ?black isn't a color?...

2 - you use positive wording to imply the negative. you're trying to imply things that are negative in the sense of ?you're too fat to get that guy?...

levels 0-2 are socially ?accepted?. what follows is the non-accepted malsociality.

3 - you use positive wording to imply the negative. you're implying things that are negative in the sense of ?your face scare children up to the age of 17, and your general bodily fluids smell like decomposing carp. You should off yourself?...

4 - you state the negative as truth. you don't need a reason, your friend is becoming your bitch.

The zone-of-no return.

5 - while at the cinema, you perpetually ask your fiend at a low voice to explain the movie. do this every 3 minutes. you?ve seen the movie already, and 20 minute before the end ask 'so, it was ... who did it??

6 - I think I explained this one already. I don't *DO* 10-item lists... if you think I did in the past, you are delirious.

7 - CONTINUOUSLY take a sip of tea, then do that ?AAAHH? thing.. make the sips as small as possibly. do this for years and years until you forget it's malsocial.

8 - I actually can't be bothered with this eight item either.

Admittedly, I can't think of a good one. let's make this a contest then. you think of a good one, and if we like it, we?ll stuff it in, naming you as the inventor, or a name of your choice. as long as it's not ?Brandy, the wonder monkey of love? because that one's taken.

9 - it has become your power to make your friends cry without provocation just by looking like you're about to say something negative. you ARE the best bitch around. They know it.

10 - You're at a party and your all-female friends are very, VERY drunk. you peer-pressure them into have an orgy and video tape it. Then sell the vid on the regular amateur market. Your notion of peer pressure is telling them you will show last weeks vid to their parents. Are you available?

Yeah, that about covers it. There -is- a very funny cross-gender malsociality too. the level-10 male example for this is just a gem:

You are at a mixed social party. You have come with your girlfriend, as has your best friend. at a rather late stage of the party, strip down, strip down your best friends girl, and do her in the center of the room, pointing out to both your girlfriend and best buddy that she's much better than your own love bunny. ask whether she's available. This works even better when it's not your girlfriend but your wife. malsociality galore!

I think you can figure out some funny ones for yourself. I don't want to hog all the creativity here. if you think of any cool ones, just send em in. I have no clue what happens when you do, but I?m sure SOMETHING will happen.
oh wait, did I do the introduction yet?

Okay, 'guide to ... Malsocial tendencies'... eh.. ah screw the whole thing.


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