Ask Spooky - Twat'o'rama

Is it that time again already? Oh well, I guess I have to distribute yet more of my oracle styleee skills. Please observe the height restrictions and keep all limbs inside the car. Its another instalment of Ask Spooky, the roller coaster ride that is the int13h advice column. Please attempt to keep vomiting to a minimum.

Dear Spooky,

I have recently returned from a holiday in the Florida Keys where I spent a great deal of my time swimming with dolphins. On more than occasion the aforementioned aquatic mammals nuzzled my groinal assembly. Basically I want to know if its ok to partake in a physical relationship with fish?


Oh, where to begin. Fish-fornication is, I believe, illegal in most countries. However that fact aside there are a couple of things to bear in mind.

1) The relationship must be consenting. Merely taking advantage of a slightly enamoured porpoise could constitute rape. With dolphin DNA being markedly different to human DNA this wouldn't be the most difficult thing to prove in court.

2) Protection must be used at all times. Inter-species disease transmission is nothing to be sniffed at. For the safety of all those involved and the on-going preservation of both populations for god sakes double bag!!!

3) Ensure you get the right 'partner'. Dolphins are intelligent, and I'm sure that on the whole they are heterosexual. I for one have never heard of a gay dolphin, that doesn't mean they don't exist. I would check the sex of my chosen partner as those little teeth look awfully sharp and slipping it in the wrong hole would no doubt result in unwanted amputation.

Here is a veritable repository of all knowledge pertaining to your sick little problem.. erm I mean question. NEXT!!!

Dear Spooky,

Your advice sucks. Why don't you just do everyone a favour and walk your fat ass into oncoming traffic?


Good, at last someone who clearly is need of my advice more than most. First of all I would like to thank you for your constructive criticism. Second, I would like to congratulate you on being able to read and write, you must be a credit to your family. However, as for the oncoming traffic I can assure you that if at anytime I do decide to play chicken with traffic it will be of my own accord. I don't requests!

Now, do yourself and the rest of the human race a favour by going outside and killing yourself. I would hate to think that once you've gone through puberty you could possibly mate with something of your own race (or family?). Our gene pool is decaying enough without your help. I'd recommend the Japanese art of Seppuku, and here is a handy dandy guide.

Dear Spooky,

I suffer terribly from vaginal warts. I've tried various treatments including freezing and acidic burning but neither offer acceptable results. I was wondering if you have any suggestions, I just don't know where else I can turn.

Miss Nubby.

Well nubby, as far as I can see there are a couple of options left for you to try. Both will be a little painful but will wield results. The first requires two thirty minute applications. Merely apply one of these to the affected area whilst consuming your own weight in painkillers. Once the bleeding has calmed down and your feeling below the neck has returned just give it a couple of weeks for the scares to heal. et voila. Oh my god that was French. Anyway, the second method involves smearing this over the affected area and attaching one of these. Once the gnawing has stopped and scabs start to form you'll be well on the way to a silky smooth love tunnel. Good Luck.

It's late and I grow weary of this... I must depart and test my theory of self-induced coma using only Blavod and Dr Pepper. Keep those questions coming in to Ask Spooky. . Until next time.


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