The Sexes

Men and women, two very different sides to this little joke we call humanity. Wouldn't life be a little easier if you really understood the differences between them. Before we go any further I hope you all know the biological differences between males and females. Lets be honest if you're here and you don't, then something is fundamentally wrong. For the sake of yourself and those around you I'd recommend that you locate an offensive amount of mind altering drugs, wash them down with a bottle blavod and walk yourself into the nearest rehab centre screaming 'I know who shot JR! I am the walrus! I am Crown Prince Fredrick, lord of all I survey. lock me up. Biatchezzz!'. Waiter! Check please.


In the beginning.

Regardless of you beliefs on creation, men and women were not created equal. Now I'm not going to offend a possible 2% of the audience by saying that men are better. Because quite simply we're not, not unless you count farting, opening jars, reaching the top shelf or projectile vomiting over your friends bedroom floor (PmI!). That's not to say that women don't have their natural in-built traits, like moaning, complaining and not forgetting colour co-ordinating. I suppose the actual list looks like this:

Women : Calculative, Artistic, Emotional, Complex

Men: Reactionary, Logical, Ordered, Simple

Those are basic differences that exist between most men and women. Whether they are physiological or psychological they are the foundation on which all the others are based. Now lets examine in greater detail some of the more important traits that must be learned in order to live harmoniously with members of the opposite sex.


Violence.

This is where we really separate the Girls from the Boys. It's very important that you understand the following section as one day it may save your life. I'm going to go on record as saying that I fear female violence. Before you all start laughing at me allow me to explain.

When a guy gets into a fight there are 2 possible ways it can go.

1) There will be a brutal flurry of punches and kicks resulting in a life long friendship between the 2 combatants. This is usually the outcome if alcohol is involved. Often to be followed with the phrase 'I love you man!'.

2) There will be only one punch. One of the blokes will leave with a broken nose. Over. Finished. Finito. No more will said or done about it.

Women are much, much more scary. When women fight it's for real. One of those girls is leaving with the others ovaries as a trophy. There is only one outcome for a 'girly' fight. Blood, pain and, more likely than not, stitches. But unlike male violence it doesn't end there. Both parties will spend the next 6 months planning and scheming a way to make the other girls life a living hell. Infact, in the whole universe there is only one thing more destructive and fearful than cat fights. That's when women get violent towards men. Men simply cannot deal with this type of aggression. Quentin Taratino has no idea what he's going on about, the stuff he shoots is more like a slight misunderstanding in comparison.

Victim: "No, no, no. This isn't how it happens in John Woo movies. Its meant to be like a 3 camera shoot whereby you catch ever single intricacy of the combat."
Woman: WHACK!

Regardless of how 'hard' a guy reckons he is there is no way he can even begin to comprehend the horror that his life will become. The best thing to do is admit defeat and attempt to make it up to her... and if that doesn't work leave town/country/planet (delete as applicable (tm)).

Female violence is to be feared and revered.


Emotional Stability.

Men are simple. It's true, on the whole we only have one emotional state going on at any one time. If we tell you that you look good in that dress, without you having to provoking us, then you do. This emotional simplicity can be used to a females advantage. Example. You want your boyfriend/husband/partner (delete as applicable (tm)) to come to your mothers for dinner. He'd rather peel off his own skin with a steel ruler and roll around in a vat of salt. If you time the question to coincide with a football match, quake deathmatch or ideally a blowjob then you will pretty much always get the answer you want. It is physically impossible for a men to be happy and unhappy at the same time. Women however are masters of emotional confusion. For instance I have it on good authority that reason women watch movies like Titanic is because they like to cry. What the hell is that all about? Men simply cannot understand this. Example:

A man and a woman are sat down together eating dinner. For no reason that the man can comprehend the woman burst in to tears. Now, this has completely freaked the bloke out.

Man: Why are you crying?
Woman: I don't know. Sometimes I just have to cry.

There we go, in one line the woman has succeeded in the throwing the combined works of centuries worth of male ideals and civilisation into a blind panic. There is only one way he can rationalise this...

Man: What did I do?
Woman: You didn't do anything.
Man: So why are you crying?
Woman: I don't know.

Holy shit! How can that make sense?

Man: BULLSHIT! You know why your crying. Everything happens for a reason.
Woman: I hate you, you're so insensitive.
Man: Yeah, but in 10 minutes you'll love me again.
Woman: Bastard!
Man: You see, that's why they'll never be a female shuttle commander (Yeah like he'd know). You know why? Because when you got to the moon you be all happy. 5 minutes later you'd initiate the landing but have to abort because you're too busy crying. That shit would get you killed in war!

At this point the man is now wearing his dinner. But unfortunately he is correct and in ten minutes time they are sat all lovey dovey on the couch watching TV.


Pain threshold.

There is something wrong with women. In my heterosexual, war driven, testosterone fuelled psyche I am convinced I have the hugest pain tolerance ever to grace human kind. I am capable of insane levels of self mutilation, I can sustain stomach churningly huge levels of physical damage and no doubt have numerous scars to prove it. I am man hear me roar! Unless waxing is involved then hear me yelp. How does this work? Its quite simple. I believe there are different types of pain.

Normal pain is the cut yourself shaving, run a car over you foot, kick the coffee table with your shin type of pain. Most men seem to be designed to withstand this type of hurt obviously with a certain level of vocal release.

Extreme pain. This is the whole getting shot, losing your leg in a threshing machine, getting impaled on a spiked fence type of pain. Most people will simply pass out, with only the real hardened SAS type sicko's retain consciousness and functionality. Given training, men can work towards this.

Female pain. Christ on a bike! This is the whole waxing your pubic region, forcing something the size of a melon through a hole the size of lemon (a.k.a childbirth), shaving your legs kind of pain. In no circumstances can any man ever deal with this. We're just not designed that way!

Like I said, there is something wrong with women. How can something bleed for a couple of days and not die? It's evil I tells'ye!


Artistic Nature.

Functionality over style! This is the mantra of every male. Regardless of how it looks if it completes a task and its the task that you bought it for then it is a success. Women however are interested in the artistic aura of an object. How will it affect the mood of the room. Will it detract from that ?700 carved glass coffee table that you aren't allowed to put anything on. Oh... and will it even remotely do what is says on the box? No, oh well it's pretty. I'll have it anyway.

CDs: I arrange my CD's, Video's, DVD's in alphabetical order. At any time I can tell you what ones I have lent to people. I can tell you if any are in the wrong place merely by the ambience of the collection. I am not strange. I am ordered, I am disciplined, I am in control, I am MAN. Women merely have a rack or cabinet for holding aforementioned media which only criterion for purchase was that it looked nice or that it matched the couch.

Decorating: I am painting my living room. If I paint it off-white people won't notice the dirt and dust from where I won't clean it for decades. Result. For women this isn't enough. We need freezes with pastel motif, we need wallpaper, we must have a stippling effect. It must be terracotta with a hint of gold for that truly Aztec effect. Fine, then you can paint it. Oh, off-white is fine.

Cars: I want a vehicle that I can drive through 4 feet of mud, that can carry 3 tons of equipment into the most hard to reach places on the planet. Dammit, I want a vehicle that can pull a house. You on the other hand want a nice little car with a convertible roof that only comes in gay colours with gay co-ordinated trim and that is easy to park.


Lying.

Women have perpetuated 2 of the most evil lies in existence. Both of them are post coital and they run a little summink like this.

1) Yes, I had an orgasm.

LIE! Men are designed to only have one purpose on this planet. Mating. It is our reason for existence. So after a good 10 / 15 seconds of sweaty grinding we have succeed in our task of seed spreading. We revel in a job well done by falling soundly to sleep. At this point however our sensitivity training kicks in and we make the extra special effort to ask if it was good for you. We'd be quite happy to hear 'No, we should have done more foreplay.', 'I would have liked it if you went down on me first' or 'Can we try it doggy style next time'. We would take the constructive criticism and try harder next time. Instead you tell us how good it was and spend the next 4 weeks bitching to your friends about how shitty we were.

2) No I didn't come. But that's ok, it felt good.

BULLSHIT. I know full well if I didn't spoff my choff at the end of it I'd be like... "eh? huh? why spooky no cum?" shortly followed by "SPOOKY SMASH!". I'd run out into the street buck naked with a raging donger. I'd be flipping cars over. Beating old women to death with lamp-posts that I'd just ripped out of the ground, moments before smashing my self into a coma by head butting a brick wall. However women are quite content to lie and then spend the next 4 weeks bitching to her friends about how shitty you were.


Spooky's final thoughts.

Lets pull this run away train to a stop and flag down a cab to real street.I kinda lost it there for second. I think the point I'm trying to make is that despite what women think all men have feelings. Even if we never the show them. We try hard to understand and in our own way try to be sensitive. Women however should be feared and avoided at all costs. They are evil, unstoppable hormone machines, ready to explode without a seconds notice. Its just a damn shame that we all seem helplessly drawn to them. Like a fly is drawn to the sweet smelling lure of a venus flytrap.

Be good to each other. But if you can't be good, be careful.

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