Personal FreakLevel

Once again, you turn to a "guide to ..." to be explained the marvels of the world. This is good. We were sort of expecting you to. You may wonder whether this has anything to do with the subliminal messages we write in pixelstereogram coding in our pages but rest assured, that's not the only reason. You see, you need advice. Not just once, you'd just like us to run your life for you, and if we screw up, you can blame us. We'll be happy to do this for you, but according to Spooky's I33t attitude, we get to abuse your cattle if you "can't hack it".

"Why?" you wonder? (stil...l)

This is easy to explain: We have very high personal freak levels. There are many ways to describe the personal freak level, but my all time favorite is "If you can make lobsters perform line dancing as part of their bizarre mating ritual, your freak level is high." This describes freak levels better than I can say in more, or less, words. Also, the amount of personal shock this last bit of comment left in your brain determines you personal freak capacity. It's not easy surviving in a world where the mean average freak level is low. really low. low enough to make people doubt you when you bring up sheep as close personal hobby during a job-interview.

Now, to guide you through what is probably one of the most important guides you will ever read.

Personal Freak Level:
The indication of how much seemingly insane and incoherent nonsense you can talk about, while seeming sincere, while not being sincere, but making others think you are, for the sole purpose of personal, or group-freak amusement.

Personal Freak capacity:
The amount of higher "personal freak level" you can takes from someone else.

You got all that? Right then, let's move on. The Personal freak level is indicated with status words. the Personal Freak Capacity is a description too. Why? Because I made the list, and I feel like it. If you disagree, go talk to my 6'7" rent-o-goon. Bring celery.

LEVEL: This is the cutest level there is. An imprint will swallow everything, but you need to tell them that you're joking or not, or they will accept it as truth. This may hurt their mind a bit.
CAPACITY: An imprint has a general freak capacity that is low, but you can easily break it to "variable" if you freak long enough.
ADVANCE: Imprints can be advanced to a high freak level if tutored properly.
BREAK: Takes practice. They first need to be firmly thought what is unacceptable, and then you should freak with it.

LEVEL: They don't have one. Their idea of freaking is not putting milk in your latte.
CAPACITY: Though it sounds harsh, wimps have no freak capacity. They will shit their pants at the first sign of freakiness, thinking that it will end in violence. They are self fulfilling prophets. If you encounter one, whoop them with an ISO 1004.3-c.
ADVANCE: Dream on. your best bet is to freak them on "high" and hope they pop.
BREAK: Just curse a little, and mention you forgot whether you used fabric softener or conditioner on your hamster in the washerdrier. That should do it.

LEVEL: These people are wonderful. They have a reasonable freak level, but only when it doesn't concern their job, or anyone in charge of their promotion.
CAPACITY: Reasonable. They will accept most freakishness if it's not directly involved with their job, or can reach their CEO before it can be denied.
ADVANCE: If promoted enough, or financially secured, they can advance all the way up to healthy freaks.
BREAK: Almost immediately if you do it in the same building where they work.

LEVEL: Entry level freak. They will accept most online freakishness due to the false sense of security. They do not realise that because they are participating, they are accepting the behavior as 'rational'. hehehe
CAPACITY: Pretty high.
ADVANCE: It's really a flip-flop idea. Either they get over their entry level freakishness very fast, and adapt to amateur freaking, or they stop using their modem, and try again a few months later, hoping to not meet freaks this time.
BREAK: Just send a newsgroup link for news.hidden.binaries.fetish.candlewax with a description like "I don't normally pass it on, but you sound like someone who'd enjoy this too." and you'll never hear from them again.

LEVEL: Good. They know when they're being freaktalked, and can handle it reasonably.
CAPACITY: High. The only issues that kick them back to normal are perversions involving reallife crimes that get you 6 to 10 and two years probation.
ENDURANCE: Reasonable. They will only listen to insanity for so long. you notice they had enough when they voluntarily leave a cool room.
ADVANCE: It can still happen. However, due to their moral problems with aforementioned issues, they might not want to.
BREAK: Well, do I need to repeat it?

LEVEL: Hardcore. They used to smack talk in hexachat with Skizzos on BBSes back in the old day and ported their habits to the new media around 1994.
ENDURANCE: Medium. They like freak conversation, but not non-stop. Shame, really.
ADVANCE: They can go far. If they become desensitised to non-stop freakings, they might emulate.
BREAK: Hardly, but if you keep it up long enough, they'll leave under the pretense of "I've had enough of this shit. go sort out your weasels, I'm off."

LEVEL: Variable, but you can't get much higher, or so anyone would think.
CAPACITY: They don't listen to you, so I don't really know.
ENDURANCE: Like I said... they don't listen.
ADVANCE: Unlikely.
BREAK: They might have a relapse of sanity and kill themselves. Sad.

LEVEL: We set the upper standards
CAPACITY: Almost infinite. Unless we haven't had enough coffee. Some seem to have a higher capacity than others. I suppose that differences are what makes group freaking interesting..
ENDURANCE: We don't stop, so why should you? freak with me baby!
ADVANCE: You can go insane... but that's it.
BREAK: In your dreams. But then you wake up, and realise you wanted the impossible.

LEVEL: He's good. I mean, he's really good! He's no Owl, but he'll do.
CAPACITY: Well, you really don't need to ask. He'll go along. That's just the kind of guy he is, offering good freaking where ever he goes. You really should admire him for it.
ENDURANCE: He'll beat you. I mean, come on, you needed a guide to figure it out, you're a wimp compared to the Spookster!
ADVANCE: He'll go far. just a few more months...
BREAK: Get real. Break spooky? maybe with carrots, but that's it.

LEVEL: He's got the gift.
CAPACITY: He works with Spooky, and has to hear me rant all the time. need I say more?
ENDURANCE: Well.. it could be better. DON'T EVER SAY WE NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP UNLESS YOU'RE OFFERING SOME.. or the shrink is a freak too.. in which case, you can disregard my statement.
ADVANCE: Oh yeah, definitely progressing every day.
BREAK: Haven't found one yet, but I'm still working his mind, so...

LEVEL: He doesn't say much, but if you slap Spooky with a salmon, you're bound to be good.
CAPACITY: It SEEMS high, but then again, he was sleeping most of the time.. grrr
ENDURANCE: Look up one line. sheesh.
ADVANCE: It's not too difficult to improve seemingly radically from here.
BREAK: I don't know, but one day, we will discover his weakness.. and patch it for him.

LEVEL: I have yet to find someone less coherent than myself. Spooky's coming close though. Not as close as Owl, but he's getting there.
CAPACITY: I have thought myself to extract useful information from freak conversation. My capacity is not on your scale.
ENDURANCE: The more I hear, the safer I feel. Another one permanently converted.
ADVANCE: If I notice one, I'll let you know. Until then: Aspire to be me!
BREAK: That'll be the day my demonic body disintegrates before it hits the ground. And that's not anytime soon.

Now that you've been introduce, you can rate yourself and send us your results by ICQ or Mail. what do you mean I need to list it here? go find it yourself you sniffling wimp. I tell you, if it weren't for the moose in my underpants, playing hopscotch with the badgers, I'd definitely untangle myself from this safety-tampered microwave to slap you around.


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