Gerbil Massage

Right. I promised to write this guide long ago, as the need for this information was obvious and it hasn't been written down by anyone else. Being the slacking bastard that i am, it took me 8 months to actually sit down and type this guide. This was mainly due to the fact that i was busy applying arcane knowledge in ways of which you cannot even begin to imagine the learning-curve. But without further ado, lets get down to business.

There you are, sitting comfortably on the couch -being your miserable self (you should read the guide to?coffee to fix that) - and you sense that somehow life is not complete, that you lack a certain type of fulfillment you cannot quite place your finger on.
You feel this way for a very simple reason: you suck. Secondly, you know zilch about gerbil-massage. The latter i can help you with. Whilst this could ofcourse be solved with a well-placed ?you don't know shit?, there's no better way to learn then by hands-on experience. The very fact that the whole idea of rubbing esoteric oil unto a furry rodent disturbs you shows how ignorant you are on the subject. You?re a shame to us all, so let's be quick about it and cut to the basics.

What's a gerbil?

Actually it should be written "Gurbl", but since that's a purple, 47% fictional creature that exists only in the strange universe I inhabit, and you do not have Administrative status, a simple Gerbil will have to do for you. A gerbil is a small rodent which lives in really dry, really hot places. Fortunately you can get one in an exotic pet-store near you, under the section "snake food". You will notice how most stores will only have gerbils of the dead and frozen variety, which is NOT the gerbil's natural state of being. I?m just emphazising this because there has been a lot of confusion on this point. For practice purposes, however, this is exactly the kind of gerbil you will be using most. Be sure to get plenty, because your lack of skill and your innate incompetence will cause you to waste substantial numbers of them in the beginning of your training.

You may be asking yourself if there are different types of gerbils out there. The anwer is: yes. There are a variety of gerbils, which you will have to be able to identify in order to determine which massage techniques you can apply safely. I will cover only a subset here, mostly because of the beforementioned "fictionality problem". The facts as you need to know them:

Dead and frozen Gerbil:
The perfect practice material. Robust and sturdy, these can be kept frozen at '27c almost indefinetly. A must-have for both beginners and pro's alike. Usually made out of the common light-brown gerbil.

Common light-brown gerbil:
This is the most common kind and can be found in any random dessert. Now don't be running of to a desert like the drooling galloot that you are, we?ve been over how to get these in a thing called "store" orĀ  "shop", remember? Right. Well, as I was saying, these little buggers are deceptively common. They are pretty small and require a certain level of technique to massage safely, especially for cooking-related purposes, but the sheer number of these gerbils you can get your hands on means it's okay to mess up a couple. Ideal for practice, especially when dead and frozen (see above).

Regular gray gerbil:
About the same size and build as the light-brown gerbil it is still closer related to the speckeled gray gerbil. This becomes apparent when point at it from up close ?it will have your finger and more of you if it gets half the chance. See handling directions below. For massaging it's a good practice before upgrading to its bigger, speckeled cousin.

Speckeled gray gerbil:
This kind of gerbil is somewhat less common. It is bigger, sturdier and more fluffy then the common variety. It's also very very very aggressive, which means you could easily loose an arm or leg if you handle it untrained and unprepared. Its common practice to feed it some light-brown gerbils before approaching it and carefully slam its teeth out with a large wooden hammer. Why not use a metal-hammer you ask? Yes why not mess it up entirely by slamming its skull in?.massaging a dead, smashed-in gerbil?really, you upset me.

Black gerbil:
The black gerbil has a real connaisseur status. It's gentle humming, soft velvet-like fur,
foul breath, as well as its nack for tapdancing, makes it a wanted item amongst gerbil masseurs worldwide. Rare, expensive, killer bacteria in its mouth 'simply the ultimate in massaging material.

Basically, you shouldn't concern yourself with anything but the deep-frozen and common light-brown gerbils, for the other ones will simply devour you on the spot. Amusing as that may be to me, unless you can send me footage of the event (1:22292 chance) i can think of more amusing ways to see you kill yourself. ...

To become a succesfull gerbil masseur, you will have to get yourself a simple set of basic tools. Like any potentially life-threatening and intrinsically satisfying activity you need to prepare yourself properly.

Tools for the job

First off, and most obviously, you will need oil. Although the ruff, back-to-nature types amongst you might think regular baking oil will do, you should only use fragrent esoteric massage oils, which will give you the added bonus of not having to wash your gerbil to get rid of its foul stench. Also, you will smell nice for days afterwards, assuming 1) you do not take showers and 2) you like the smell of cheap, fake indian flowery odeurs - in which case you?re probably gay. Right up your alley.

Also, you will need a pair of oversized rubber gloves. Now don't panic and take your gerbil out to the bathroom. You will find rubber gloves have a variety of uses not involving any orafices. Well, not yours anyway. What you were thinking is clearly unhygenic and strange, so stop thinking it.

Preferably made out of tropical hardwood if possible, the wooden hammer in essential. Although i have seen people use meat-tenderizers instead, personally i advice against it for obvious reasons.

If you don't already owne one, go get one now. They make post-its and super-glue absolete. You need one ?period.

The mystical remote-o-torture dolls as seen in Monkey Island I, II and III. You can make one yourself out of plain cloth filled with dirt. Use the stapler gun to seal it. And don't even think about knitting one...

Now that you have all the stuff you need, its time to get some basic training done. At this point a lot of people start wondering why they?re doing all this. That thought is utterly wrong. As a general rule, don't bother reflecting on any question if the answer to that question is utterly meaningless to me.

Basic Training

Ah there you are, wearing your oversized rubber gloves, your dead and frozen gerbil on the floor, your stapler within reach and a voodoo doll in your back pocket. If the excitement got the best of you and you stapled your gerbil to a bloody pulp or your head to the wall, don't panic. Well panic if it's the head thing, but if it's the gerbil just go get a new one from the fridge. Now, the following is an exercise to develop the right moves and pressure distribution. It's important so don't skip ahead.

1. Sit down next to the dead and frozen gerbil. Put your hand 3 inches above it. Breathe in deeply and try to maintain as calm as possible under the circumstances.

2. Gently lower your hand untill it lightly touches the gerbil.

You will know you succesfully completed the exercise if the gerbil is still in one piece. If it's not, run through steps 1 ?2 again untill you get it right. For some people this might take several months.

I should probably prep you some more but, what the hey, let's take out a live one (common light-brown) and get funky. Experience is the best education, right?

Part Ib: the beginning

A live gerbil is somewhat more tricky as you can't just set it down in front of you and expect it to stay there. Funny how a couple of stapler gun blasts will rid you of this problem. Be sure not to hit your own hand 'sounds unlikely, I know, but it has been know to happen. Once you have 'secured? the gerbil, pad it gently. If you can manage this without making it explode (it will have become somewhat ?pressurized? coz of all the staples through its veins and stuff) you?re ready to move on to part II.

Part II: a humble improvement

Now that you?ve got the pressure thing under control, it's time to start practicing some basic stroking techniques. Place and secure a live gerbil. Repeat the steps from exercise Ib. After placing your hand on the gerbil, gently move it from its head to its tail. You will hear a high-pitch squeecking noise at this point. This is the gerbil having its own sick idea of fun.
You will repeat this exercise untill you have reached the point where you can stroke the gerbil in such a fashion that the squeecking becomes a steady lower pitched squeeck which repeats itself in intervals of about 30 seconds. Congratulations: you have mastered the basic technique of geril-stroking, which is the key to succesfull gerbil-massage!

Now I will introduce to you some massaging techniques, explaining their usage and supplying you with the exercisis you?ll need to get them under control.

Part III: Basic massage-techniques

Finally you?re ready to get down to the real stuff. The techniques listed here simple. Don't worry, they?re all you need to make an absolute twat out of yourself in front of your friends. You can combine these basic techniques yourself, adding more complex ones as you move along.

1. Regular stroke

Name says it all. Expand on the basic stroking technique by relaxing your hand as you move up and down. Doing this will probably upset you at first, which you should ignore. As soon as you find yourself getting exited somehow, you should realise that you?re a sick bastard. I suggest using the stapler gun with your neck in the most logical fashion.

2. Bottow-up stroking

Basically this is much like the regular stroke, only you move the hand in only one direction ?from the tail upward. Also you should cranck up the speed and pressure a bit. Carefull now...

3. Top-down stroking

Inversed of bottom-up. This stroke has the added advantage of not stroking against the hairs, which is a real life safer with the speckeled-gray gerbil par example.

4. Head-padding

Yes you pad the head, that's all. Seems simple, but if you 'secured? the gerbil in a somewhat unprofessional manner you might have put some staples through the head, which could mean serious damage to your hands if you get too exited about this technique. Also the blood and brains are kinda messy, which is exactly why you should always wear your rubber gloves.

Part IV: Moving on up

The basic techniques dsecribed above form the foundation on which your skill and fame will be built. Once you master these you can move on to mastering them in an intoxicating state. This will make little sense at the moment, but trust me you will have to be sodding fucking drunk for the real cutting-edge massaging techniques. Be sure to apply the esoteric oil to the gerbil before you get drunk. No need to waste any perfectly good oil because you?ve lost your aim to liquor now is there. Now get out a bottle and practice, practice, practice!

Once you can have attained mastery in the basic techniques, invite your friends. Get drunk beforehand. This will lower your inhibitions, which should make it easier to show them what you can do to a gerbil whilst naked.? Now several things might happen. Most likely, you will be beaten the shit out of. Don't worry, this is a very normal reaction. Some sick perverted individuals might find the scene you?ve put down for them enthralling and try to join you. This is where the stapler gun comes in handy. Also this will supply you with great practicing material for you basic techniques. The human head is a great replacement of the deep-frozen gerbil, if somewhat harder to come by. The reaction we are aiming at, however, is the humiliating beating. Getting this beating will harden your intoxicated body for the violence of the gray gerbils. You will need to receive a beating like this several times, so you might run out of friends rather soon. Don't worry, the same effect can be obtained in shopping malls or other crowded public places. Its amazing what little insentive people need to beat the crap out of strangers.

After you?ve hardened your body in this manner, you are ready to move up to the gray and black gerbil. Logic teaches us that starting out with the regelar gray gerbil is advisable. So we won't. The speckeled gray gerbil obviously has more damage-potential. Which is good.

Part V-a: final stages

I assume your speckeled gray gerbil will be living in a big, sturdy cage and it's been properly greased up in advance (if didn't come in a cage, panic). First, you will once again need to get undressed and drunk, prefereably in inversed order. What comes next is tricky. Preparing the gerbil is split up in two parts 1) stapling it down and 2)smashing its teeth out. Both are hard. Obviously hitting it with your stapler gun is difficult because of the drunk-factor. Doing it sober isn't an option however, as you wouldn't even concider approaching the cage if you were sober. So best keep at it untill you get it right. Next, open the cage and QUICKLY use your large wooden hammer to dislocate the gerbil's teeth. You will need to get this right. Frequently made mistakes include 1)killing the gerbil 2)missing the gerbil and getting eaten or body-parts removed and 3)hitting yourself senseless in a drunken undirected swing of the hammer. Again, practice is king. So keep at it.

Once you get it right and you have safely removed the gerbils teeth, set it free again. Logically, it will be feeling somewhat atagonistic towards you. This is natural. Actually, it will try to eat you. Don't worry ?you got his teeth remember? Still, its a ferocious little bugger and you will most likely go down hard. At this point you?ll be glad you?ve learned how to take a good beating without crying like bitch.

Part V-b: final stages

The trick is, ofcourse, to massage the gerbil while its trying to kill you. You can apply the basic techniques and combine and expand when you feel you?re ready to do so. Always be sure to properly oil your gerbil in advance. Once you feel more secure about your ?action-massage? try and see what the effect it has on people. I assume you don't have any friends left, so family will do too. Nothing like alienation to get down to the raw core of massaging pleasure. Plus, their kicks tend to have nore passion behind it.

The ultimate form of gerbil-massage then is to openly massage the speckeled gray-gerbil in front of a large adience and get away with it. The latter might involve faking to be dead. Sometimes there's a thin line between extatic pleasure and near-death beatings.

Final Notes

Now it may occur to you that this Guide has alienated you from family and friends and brought you closer to death than you?ve ever been. That may very well be true. However, it is a small price to pay for my personal enjoyment. This must surely be a great relief.

True, we didn't use the voodoo-doll. Well, you didn't. I might have. It's amazing what a simple IP-trace, a satelite worldwide address linkage system and some hired thugs can get you. I tell you, these people stop at nothing. Body-hair, bodily fluids, its like they have no respect for people at all.



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