Santa Claus

It is almost that special time of year. That time when everyone starts to feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Christmas time. A time when we count our blessings and reflect upon the year that has passed. As we share warm moments with family and friends, we grow closer together and strengthen our ties to our loved ones. Reminding us of the true, lasting, values in our lives, Christmas inspires us with the fire of joy and compassion.

This sickening list could on for pages. I hope you kept your breakfast in. I managed, but only barely. It had to be said though, as it will enable me to explain to you more clearly the sharp contrast between these imposed pacifist views and the -true- nature of the feast of dominance and global suppression we have been forced to call Christmas. You're confused? You poor bastard. Sit down, shut the fuck up and read. It might be the only glimpse of truth on this topic you will ever be fortunate enough to get.

Let us assume nothing and start at the very beginning: by stating the facts. What are they?

THE FACTS
Santa Claus is a fat, bearded man who apparently lives on the North Pole. He dresses primarily in red. He is widely known for his bellowing, evil, sarcastic laughter. On the North Pole he surrounds himself with an army of dwarfs. These are easily recognisable by their green-red military uniforms. Once every year, Santa leaves his castle of dwarfs to travel around the world. During this period he tracks down little kids and breaks into their homes. He does this using a fast sled, which can fly. People falsely assume this is due to the reindeer dangling in front of it. Obviously, this is an insane thought. Reindeers have no capacity of flight whatsoever. No matter how red and shiny their noses get, these cannot negate the laws of gravity. Unless, of course, that nose turns out to be a piece of fruit (read 'YDNS about gravity' for further reference). We can safely assume this isn't the case, since scientists worldwide have so far failed to create reindeers with fruit growing from their face. Which is a shame. But I digress. These visits take place in the cover of night. Santa Claus' preferred method of gaining entry is to force his fat bloated body through people?s chimneys. He does this without getting himself dirty. When the preferred entryway is not available, he will use any means he can to get into even the most fortified of private homes. His skill in these matters is clear, as he has never been known to fail. After gaining entry to a home he will leave the unexpecting little kids 'presents' in a prearranged depository, usually a large woollen sock hung by the chimney in advance. These 'gifts' are also frequently placed under a 'Christmas tree'. This whole procedure, which takes at least 10-15 minutes per home, is repeated for millions of children worldwide. In a single night. However, 'gifts' are not awarded indiscriminately. Only children whose behaviour has followed a predefined protocol are 'rewarded' in this way. Fortunately, Santa Claus can monitor the behaviour of all children -everywhere- from his base on the North Pole. Obviously, the amount of data this generates is too massive and complex for him or his dwarven-militia to process. Instead, he must use some sort of advanced algorithmic decision-making process. The run-time on these calculations can only be phantomed. The required hardware must be perplexing in amount. His power-consumption must equal that of a small nation.

There are obvious clues to the true nature of Santa Claus 'hidden' within these facts. You are, however, not capable of seeing the obvious because of your social programming. That needs to be addressed before you can learn anything from me at all.

FLAWED PROGRAMMING
As a young child you were ignorant. Whilst it can be argued that you still are, the Int13h crew strives hard to counter that, therefore some improvement from your toddler-years will be assumed. In your ignorance, you believed in Santa Claus. Your parents used this belief to reinforce their power over you. They constantly reminded you of the continuous monitoring going on, forcing you to behave according to their limited behavioural protocols. Later, as you grew more rebellious, you rejected the idea of Santa Claus and his little henchmen. You now relied on logic to guide you. At least that?s what you think happened. But try and remember. Go back in time. There was a moment when either your parents or a socially superior peer convinced you of the fact that Santa Claus was a fabrication. Realising at the spot that this meant your free will had been suppressed for years with the use of fabricated stories and lies, you became enraged. At that moment you rejected the idea of Santa Claus. This, of course, was simply another strategic move on Santa's side. As you grow older, you grow rebellious, regardless of conviction or upbringing. This is due to hormones unleashing the raw power of male sexuality within you. Or in your case, unleashing the power of huge lakes of pus growing deep under the epidermal layer of your skin. Either way, rebellion cannot be avoided. During these emotionally unstable times, your knowledge of Santa would be a dangerous thing. You might be unwilling to accept the restrictions placed upon your freedom. Since behavioural protocol cannot be maintained during puberty anyway, Santa subsequently debunks your belief in him. Don't worry about how he does this. This will become clear later. All you need to realise ?now-, is that Santa Claus is very real. After puberty, having settled back into your more relaxed behavioural patterns, you are now blissfully unaware of the monitoring going on and the profound ways in which Santa controls your entire life. Being ignorant concerning the truth, you prepare your children for adaptation by applying the same patterns your parents used on you: Emotional and behavioural control through what you think are fabrications about a mythical being followed by subsequent debunking of these beliefs. And so the circle of enslavement has been completed.

WHAT YOU FAILED TO SEE
The facts about Santa Claus should say it all. Read them again now that your programming has been weakened. It is unlikely that you will grasp the point clearly, so allow me to elaborate.

The fact that a fat bearded man is living with dwarves on the most uninhabited place on earth should have raised your suspicion. Subsequently it should have made you wonder. You cannot stuff thousands of dwarves in an igloo. A large structure is required. This structure lies under the surface of the North Pole obviously, since no explorer has ever run across it. Of course we all know there's nothing under the surface of the North Pole. Nothing but water. Very, very, very cold water. Can you imagine the kind of operation required to build a structure under the ice which houses thousands of dwarves, a score of reindeer and what must be acres of hardware? Of course you can't. But let me assure you that this would require a global operation involving every government on earth.

Santa has a sled, which can fly. Obviously this is a decoy. No man, no matter the size of his beard, can travel all around the world in one night in a flying sled -and- break into billions of homes. Also, Santa?s favourite method of entry leaves him amazingly clean, as has been pointed out before. This should strike you as odd. But back to logistics. Even with a large dwarven-militia it is quite a task to enter every single home, place some 'gifts' and leave unnoticed without leaving collateral damage. The only logical conclusion then, is that Santa must have covert henchmen already inside these homes, ready to strike at his command. However, it is unlikely that members of Santa's Dwarven Militia are living secretly within all these homes. This might sound like a credible solution to you, but as anything with a higher IQ than yours can imagine, this would create unspeakable logistic problems - far outweighing those of setting up a joint breaking&entering operation once a year. Also, it would lead to unspeakable sexual horrors. Having said this, it becomes clear that the parents of the little kids are the culprits. They are obviously controlled remotely to do Santa's bidding and place 'rewards' whenever a child has followed behavioural protocol, thusly reinforcing these behavioural patterns further. This is the perfect cover, which has the added side effect of giving parents a false feeling of control.

The above raises questions concerning the nature of the monitoring system as well as the information retrieval system. These are implemented primarily through two mediums: porn and home shopping programs.

1) Porn

Santa needed something which would enter every home and which would have every single male of the population engaged in sluggish mental processing. Females were excluded, as it is well known they have no free will. Therefore, they do not need to be controlled externally. The male will naturally do this after having been 'programmed' himself. The only thing that -has- the before mentioned qualities, is, of course, porn. Also it comes with the added advantage of attracting more of itself (read 'YDKS about Black Holes?). Through this process, eventually all monitoring information masses together in a universal database, monitored by G.O.D. (Greater Overseeing Dwarf), who also belongs to Santa's evil network. But lets not get into that right now. It would complicate matters beyond the discussable.
Porn slows down the male thought process. When this happens, the male seeks out to establish contact with the outer world through other means, usually through a female orifice. To establish this contact his reproductive organ is extended outward. This is a natural response. Through the miracle, which is nature, this organ sends out a full holographic representation of the mental content of the individual male on wavelengths that only dwarves can pick up. This is one of reasons why having dwarves living in your home would lead to sexual abominations.

Deep under the ice of the North Pole, Santa has thousands of his Dwarfs sitting in deep meditation. This is not done for their personal enjoyment. The fact that they are hooked up to large electronic processing units underlines this point. These dwarves pick up mental-content images that are send out into the earth's atmosphere continuously. These are fed to the processing units, where they are adjusted and send back out through a second dwarf. Logically, it takes countless of dwarfs to manipulate the whole world in this manner. However, the carefully timed distribution of porn through public channels somewhat simplifies these matters.

2) Home shopping

Home shopping programs are a dead give-away. No one seriously believes these to be real TV anyway. What people fail to realize, however, is that these programs are used to gather information about young children. As we all know, young children cannot easily gain access to porn. If they do get involved with porn, it?s usually in ways even Santa has no interest in. Either way, they do not yet have the capacity to extend the reproductive organ outward. This would seriously undermine Santa's capacity to influence and control the masses. Fortunately, females watch home shopping like its porn. Human females have a perfect base of power over the developing child. The implications should be obvious even to the likes of you. Females are lured into calling hotlines-hotlines, which subliminally 'reprogram' their mind to make sure they will properly influence their children until these have reached reproductive functionality. Once young males are reproductively functional, they will instinctively seek out porn and be influenced directly.

IMPLICATIONS
The implications of this are tremendous. Your entire mental functioning is pre-programmed by a dwarf-loving fat man in a red suit. On top of that, this man is the leader of a global conspiracy to control you completely. He has defined, deep within the hardware of his north-pole underwater base, a set of behavioural protocols he seeks to enforce on the world for his own sick purposes. His relation to every major religion on earth has been implied for your own further study. His sexual perversion is obvious, since he surrounds himself with nothing but hairy dwarves and reindeer. You do the math.
Everyone is under his influence. He alone controls your mentality. Your life. Your memories. In the meanwhile, this man has got most of the world convinced that he is a child-loving Samaritan who happens to like reindeer with shiny noses.

But, you may ask, to what end? TO WHAT END?!

Santa strives to own the galaxy. That much is clear. Earth is as good a place to start as any. Santa was probably raised by an abusive father and alcoholic mother, which beat the crap out of him. He naturally felt compelled to hang out with reindeer, which must have been the start of his sickness. Unfortunately for you he had a well worked out .Plan and succeeded in his madness. Well almost succeeded anyway?

Of course there are those of us who have such stunning mental ability that no one dwarf can contain our mental image, even if you stuffed him with it head to arse and back up again. One day we will overthrow Santa and take total control. If we can be arsed that is. For now, we, the lucky few, simply seek to educate the masses about their unfortunate fate. In case you were wondering, we need no actual reason to do this.

Knowing what you do now, let us return to the beginning and outline the feeling of Christmas spirit with renewed insight?

It is almost that special time of year. That time when Santa starts to feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Christmas time. A time when you are unwittingly brain-leeched and reprogrammed. A time when your children are formed and shaped to do Santa's evil bidding. You misguidedly count your blessings and reflect upon the year that has passed. As you share meaningless moments with family and friends, who are just as ignorant and generic as you are, you strengthen your ties to the dwarven militia. Reminding you of the meaning of your life, this Guide has made you resolutely determined not to watch any more porn. Especially any porn involving dwarfs, big, fat, bearded men or reindeer. Of course you will fail miserably. Blame the programming.
Void.

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