Getting Sodded

Getting sodded. We all like it, even though our heads complain afterwards. So why do you need a guide' quite simple really.. you're int13h dependant mind has turned here once again to find out whether how you perform simple life-tasks is the right way, or the sickly way. This will be solved roughly around now, and the remaining future we have reserved for you.

Getting sodded ~ The lost art ~

In times past, getting sodded has been an answer to many problems. most of these problems involve women in some way. If you're a woman, and found that bit offensive, please keep in mind that equality doesn't exist for int13h. There is a firm belief in the fact that disequality is a breeding ground for 0wning. Back to the issue: getting sodded has since times long past been the best way to kill off any form of mental exercise. The reason for this is that those mental exercises were too strenuous for the fragile human mind to handle. we submit for instance the trouble of not getting it on for at least 4 hours in a crowded bar.

Let's review the material we have at hand here to get sodded shall we?

~ The ingredients ~

Of course, when I say ingredients, I mean various intoxicating substances. let's review from the mildest to the best brain killers.

- Oolong Tea
There is a rumor that enough oolong tea can get you sodded. or at least tipsy. brave member of the in13h community, I have take the task upon me to test this theory. if it turns out to be not true, it will also turn out I just enjoy drinking this stuff. it's a win-win scenario for PmI

- Cheap beer
This is one of those solutions that works well for either the under funded, or the 'sod everything, I need to get sodded' moments. The lovely thing is that after 6 pints, the taste goes away, and you can just swig me one after the other. you know it starts to work when your head becomes heavy and light at the same time. This is due to the actual chemical content of what you just drank. That 16th can was raid, not beer.

- Fine beer
The reason you drink this is 'because it tastes very good' at first. Also, because of the 8.6% content, it hits you like a sledgehammer and after 4 beers, you've become accustomed to the silenced surrounding and a view of your ceiling.

- Wine
Wine is not always the best way to get sodded. good red wines for instance are great for drinking, but hurt a considerable amount during the afterglow of a good sodding. a distinction must be made:

- red wine
Red wine is bad. Seriously. The amount of oak in a single bottle is enough to make your brain wonder about the true nature of pain, and the self inflicting of it.

- white wine
This stuff is great for getting drunk on, providing it's tasty. Wine, in contrast to beer, doesn't loose it's taste after a bottle, and is pleasant right up to the point that you start playing 'spin the bottle' with various household items.

- Sparkly wine
This generally requires some sort of company of the opposite sex. Sparkly wine is intoxicating, delicious (if not, delis ness can be faked) and it works rapidly. lambrusco on a summer day is particularly deadly. under a nice warm sun, it's a spectacular road to sodness, sexual explicitly, and maybe being arrested for that last issue. all in all, a great ingredient for getting completely sodded and action, in that order

- Genuine champagne
Remarkable stuff that.. yes, it works just as well as genuine sparkly wine, but the added bonus is status. get sodded with respect, that's what it's all about. Of course, the getting sodded part on champagne is something often reserved for the higher income people. or 'pray' as we like to call them.

- sake
A marvel of brewing technique, sake (Japanese rice wine) has about 28% of alcohol, but you don't taste it when it's 37.8 degrees Celsius.. which makes it a deadly tool for getting completely sodded without knowing it. which makes it a blessing! the reason one would turn to sake are twofold:

- reason #1
You found a Japanese toko, and you wonder what 'ultra refined single barrel daemon sake' really does to your biological system.

- reason #2
You are aware of the effects of sake.

This second reason is better. sure, ultra refined single barrel daemon sake is great (and expensive no doubt) but drinking sake because you know it's inherent evil is much more fun. Consider: a country where sexuality is so repressed that about 80% of all women riding the trains get touched up, and where there's an actual psychosomatic condition whereby the penis retreats in the body due to negative affirmation, and this country has booze. That can't just be any booze can it? ;)

- liqueurs
The fun stuff of these sod-materials, is that you can mix up an amazing amount of cocktails, down them all, hate them all, but continue drinking them in different proportions anyway. Liqueurs are a needed ingredient for cocktails with such funky names as 'blowjob', 'soft screw against the wall' and 'liquid sexuality'... the reason for this is the high sugar content of these alcoholicia. This ensure that after enough of them, a sufficient amount to get sodded, you are also hyped up because of the now above average blood-sugar level. This does all sorts of funky things to your mental processing units, but the best part is that you know you're sodded, yet you can still move.

What are boozalicia? well, basically they are what the industry refers to as 'strong spirit'.. but that name is just not what it does. because after 3 or 4 glasses, the spirit has become a repressed entity of sub consciousness, and the 'strong' part is pretty much shifted to 'nonsensical entertainment only understood by other sods'... this is not bad, it just doesn't reflect the description for the drink.

Let's categorize some of these boozalicia shall we?

* whiskey
Whiskey is great stuff. it comes from very cheap (white label, multi blend, it was bottled last week, 5 quid), to very expensive (ben nevis, single malt, aged 26 years, 80 quid). the price is equally proportional to the amount of headache remains after boozing up on it. also, it is inversely proportional to when you can booze up again (wallet relations just are that way).

The moral of this short story of romance and loss, is that whiskey isn't good for boozing up on. it's great to drink, but for boozing, resort to the ones down here.

* tequilla
A Mexican marvel of cacti refinement: tequila. you can slam it, pour it, slam it some more, mix it, slam that, take a bucket, fill it with tequila, slam that, and then lie back. feel the kick =) Tequila is being restricted in brewing at the moment due to an alarming decrease in the proper cacti that supply the main ingredient for tequila, but the restriction is only temporary, and the prices haven't gone through the roof, so we'll live. getting sodded on tequila requires no effort. technically, a bottle will do. and because of it's unique taste, you can just drink and drink and drink. you won't mind. after 4 shots on an empty stomach, neither will any other part of your body. There is however the risk that you'll wake up next to a giant Easter bunny the next morning, with a hole in your memory of the night before. This is, sadly, normal. getting sodded on tequila is easy, the art of the sodding is to get so sodded that you will retain memory.

* rum
Rum is a very strange drink. of course, for a product that's made in Cuba that's not so strange, but this drink is actually not so good. you have to learn to drink it. One traditional way to drink rum on it's own is with palm sugar and butter melted through it. this is a strange sensation, not to mention it's a strange custom. because not only are you boozing up, you're also tanking up on butter and sugar. this has pretty much the same effect as liqueur has, but it's heavier. You can get sick of the rich buttery taste, which is something that we need to avoid for being truly sodded. the sick part will come later. this is only prep school in sodding-up

* vodka
This will do ANY trick. get a good vodka, get out shot glasses, and have fun.


* stroh rum
This is the strangest drink you'll ever find. basically, it's medicinal rum. it's 80%, and you just CANNOT drink it. so why use it? well, the cuba libre (called a cola-tick by the commoner) can be spiked with more wallop, and that's pretty much the only reason you use it =) High booze content, with the added taste of whatever you mix it through.. coke, tonic, prawn cocktail, you name it. soddness guaranteed.

~ Getting sodded beyond compare ~
Here I assume you've boozed up considerably, and are ready for the next step.

getting completely sodded is something that requires effort for only the briefest moment. the rest should come naturally. Once nicely tanked, you can start to.. wait.. I haven't explain certain terms here yet. Let's review some soddicators here, because they are somewhat crucial to the process.

Being alive is critical to getting sodded. make sure you are alive before you attempt to get sodded. This is a warning.

the first step towards sodding is tipsy. it is characterized by being slightly less able to coordinate the hand, and speech seems easier, but it really isn't.

that dawning moment that you're no longer tipsy, but about to hit 'drunk'. it lasts about a minute, which is about .3 seconds in drunk-time

a good start

After getting drunk, the swigging starts. this is characterized by purchasing more booze.

The additional booze is taking effect: you might notice that your body is no longer actually controlled by your brain. this is because the spine has taken over motoric control on reflex basis. This is very much fun... to watch.

Consciousness is now gone. Congrats, you're almost there.

This very brief phases is a phase that reminds of the 70 love-in... don't worry, it won't last long, but you now fancy anything of the opposite gender.

This is more or less referring to what your eyes are now doing. if you can notice this, you're not actuallyclockwising but merely think you are. quite possibly, you're already dieing and you're not noticing the effects yet. if you see a light at the end of the tunnel, turn back. you went to fast.

yay! you're there... now be carefull

This is a sort of rather a very not so nice condition. it happens right after complete sodness.. your eyes cross, tunnel fade, then just go out. when this happens, there's no need to stop drinking, but realize that you honestly don't have a chance in hell to come back to life.. unless we know you.

not so good. try again later, when you're of a legal drinking age again. or at an aget hat booze just flows naturally to you.

Oookay.. that covers the terms I think.. back to the story: getting completely sodded is something that requires effort for only the briefest moment. the rest should come naturally. Once nicely tanked, you can start to appreciate the finer moments in life. with moment, we're talking about booze moments, which typically last about 15 minutes in real life. these moment are characterized by random chatter, and strange noises which make perfect sense to you. the surrounding might disagree, but they're obviously not tanked yet and it is your duty to get them there. if they refuse, do not, I stress, NOT, use violence. while this might be considered one of the int13h ways, violence is only good if performed in a proper ISO format. and I have the copyright on those. so don't mess with me dammit! (slaps some silly users) back to the issue, again, you?ve gotten tanked. now let's walk you through those fine moments to soddness

- the first afterstage: admiring
it all starts when that hog behind the bar is starting to look good. this is a strange sensation, because you know she's a hog. you reaffirmed this not a few hours ago, when you walked in to the pub... This moment will pass, but until it does, it is highly disturbing and you should realize that while it is alcohol induced, it means that somehow your brain can still make sense of the emotion hormonal system. this needs to be solved FAST. this can be done with some more drinking. which we highly recommend you do.

- the second after stage: clockwising
Once you get to this stage, you're almost there. The clockwising stage is typically reached when the world no longer seems to have perspective. this is not because the fundamental nature of the universe has changed, but because you are clockwising. it is fair to say that with one or two more drinks, you're there. However, because of the loss of reliable vision, it is also safe to say that those last two drinks will be a pain to actually get. The is, sadly, no guide to getting a drink while clockwising, simply because it cannot be written. it's a case of having those drinks when you start clockwising, so you can reach out and fillup before soddness sets in completely.

- The final afterstage: completely sodded
And then, all of a sudden, it all makes sense. you've deduced the unifying theory, the fundamentals of universal creation are completely logical, and you can explain what happened in the first nanosecond of the big bang. all this has one drawback: you can no longer talk. This frustration is generally accompanied by passing out.

However, you don't HAVE to pass out. and when you don't, a placid looking around to see how little the rest knows is always a good idea. sometimes, a type of mutual communication is set up for a brief moment (perhaps only as little as 30 minutes) by means of hyper-slurred talk and probably fuzzy telepathy as well, but these conversations will be forgotten.

being completely sodded is a high-risk endeavor. the drawbacks, death being the most obvious one, however do not outweigh the act of getting completely sodded, so don't let the prospect of dieing put you off this journey to complete soddness, and if all goes well, you'll be reading more vital-to-life guides by the int13h combined hands.

if something DOES go wrong, you'll have to wait at least 11 years before you can visit our site again though...

With admiration and a faint feeling of universal dislodgement.


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