Britany Spears... see her cum.

You've seen the banner, you've 'accidentally' clicked the link and you still haven't seen Miss Spears gusset-typing her way to untold pleasure. Well I've got news for you pal (pal'ette) if your looking for that holiest of porno grails forget it. Pull up your trousers (skirt) put down that 1973 copy of Playboy (Playgirl?) and listen up. Its time you learned all there is to know. Its time to explore every nook and cranny of the most enlightening of tomes... the int13h guide to porn.

Show us your muff!

What constitutes porn? Well in order to answer this question we have to know what porn actually is. Porn is not just nakedness or exhibitionism, it's the exploitation of the form for sexual purposes. Example, a picture of your mum naked is not porn. A picture of me doing your mom whilst she is naked is porn. It's all about creating arousal. Different people respond to different 'stimuli' and it is the job of porno manufacturers to provide the right tool for the job. The problem is that once you get away from the simple act of intercourse things can get a little diverse.

Whatever floats your boat.

Porn is subjective! One mans pleasure is another mans poison and all that. So just because the thought of a ninety year old shaven nun double-ending herself with a boomerang coated in marmite gets your rocks off doesn't mean that I'm necessarily going to be getting moist over it. That's not to say of course that others won't. You see these kind of things have a name. Fetishes. Everybody has them and most of the time others share them. There's nothing wrong with them they just seem sick to people who don't subscribe to them. These are the porn for the discerning punter, the connoisseur who's got more than enough plain intercourse and fancies something a little more... interesting. Of course most of these are illegal in my country.

Where can I get my hands on some of that!

Ahh the distribution of illicit material, truly one of the greatest wonders of the 20th century. Wherever you are you can pretty much guarantee that porn will be available. It's all to do with the size of the industry, its kinda like Disney movies. Think of how saturated the media is with Disney stuff. Well if you take into account that the beaver sells far more than the mouse it should give you some idea of size and availability. In recent years the Internet has been responsible for more distribution of smut that any medium before it. I mean sure, everybody has had videos or magazines at some point but now thanks to E-mail, NNTP, IRC and websites we've introduced commercialised filth to a whole new generation, and this generation cares not about trivial things like copyright or local decency laws. GIVE ME BROADBAND OR GIVE ME DEATH!

Ok, nice but where can I get some?

Now, at this point I could go into a great deal of info about particular methods of distribution etc.. But you'd all think I was some kind of freak so I'm just gonna break down the main distribution types....

Ahh, newsgroups. Wonderful unmetered unrestricted grot. I recommend the alt.binaries.erotica groups. I could spends hours on these....oh I do.

Subscription services usually suck... sure you get porn delivered directly to your mailbox but you also get all the latest and greatest offers from knitted and

IRC :-
Usually full of 14 year old linux users, worth checking out the lesbian rooms (if your male). There's usually some little greasehole who'll want to trade something.

Free porn in a free site with free membership and free downloads just give us your credit card number to prove you are over 18. Yeah right.

The top shelf in a newsagents is the first experience of porn for most of us it's also probably one of the most stressful experiences ever. I mean walking up to the counter with a copy of Chicks with Dicks clenched in your sweaty little palm is never a fun experience.

Ok, you have two options here. Buying porno videos.. this either means walking into a shop (see magazines) or mail-order. Mail-order is definately preferable although you better have your own place the last thing you want is your parental units opening your package to discover 'Debbie does donkeys'. The other alternative is pirating, which to me and you means 27th generation fuzz with raspy moaning noises in the background.

250 channels, 5 of which are UK softcore. What you need is one of
those positional dishes. We need Danish porn and we need it now. Just reposition your dish and et voila more fisting than you can shake a thoroughly gnarled voodoo log at. The German channels used to be quite good on Friday nights too.

...and I'm spent.

I'm bored, it's late and I can hear Chasey Lain calling. I think that should be enough for you to be getting on with. Now go forth and enjoy yourselves, I'm off to wear these calluses off of my palms.

Where did I leave those Kleenex.


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