Quite possibly the most feared thing know to man, maybe apart from Jamie Oliver. Pain has the ability to make you do things you would normally not do, for example, you might not think you would scream like a little sissy girl when you stub your toe on the corner of a door when walking around the house bare foot in the middle of winter but when it happens you have no control over it.


There are many causes of pain most of which can cause a high level of discomfort. There are many levels of pain that can be achieved, with a high percentage of them leading to either extreme agony or, if you are unfortunate, even death. This guide intends to help you understand the concept of pain without having to experience it yourself, if on the other hand you enjoy pain then this guide will help you achieve levels of pain the likes of which will probably get you a good pile of cash from one of the various 'no win, no fee' Compensation companies that are surfacing lately.

It is believed that by concentrating your life energy and entering an almost entranced like state of being you can 'ignore' pain but the problem I see with that is that if someone comes along and lops your arm off your not quite going to 'ignore' it are you? you can hardly not be bothered by losing a limb are you?


As you can see already Pain is a part of life. It makes you stop doing something that will potentially cause great bodily harm to yourself. This will probably not stop you causing great bodily harm to others but it can help you appreciate how they feel. Most peoples immediate response to pain is a reaction commonly known as the scream or yelp, it is a basic reaction known throughout almost all forms of life. If you accidentally tread on a puma's tale for example you will hear a scream of pain quickly followed by your own blood curdling scream of agony as the, now quite enraged, puma sinks his large teeth into your personage.

Rage / Anger

These two stages are normally associated with pain as most victims of pain feel that they need to show the person / object that caused them pain what it is like. Even though inanimate objects such as a door or a table leg may not be able to feel pain it in someway helps to subside the pain the victim is feeling. I will not dig into Rage / Anger too much as I could put these into a while guide of their own thus producing two guides out of one, not bad eh? =)

Levels of Pain

We can divide Pain levels in two 5 different categories each coupled with a percentage of pain.

1-15% "Ouch! that hurt"
16-45% "Oh *insert expletive*,*insert expletive*....*insert expletive*"
46-80% "AARRRGGGHHH WHERE HAS MY *insert expletive*'ING ARM GONE?"
80-99% "He will never do that again"
100% "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today"

1-15% "Ouch! that hurt"
- This is the most common level of pain. On a day to day basis you will probably encounter this level of pain at least once, it could be anything from biting your tongue to banging your knee on the table as you stand up.

16-45% "Oh *insert expletive*,*insert expletive*....*insert expletive*"
- This is level of pain is normally seen at least once a day but not always by the same person. This could be anything from slamming your hand in a cupboard draw or dropping medium to large sized book on your foot.

46-80% "AARRRGGGHHH WHERE HAS MY *insert expletive*'ING ARM GONE?"
- This is where things get quite interesting, up until now things have been quite minor in the way that you will forget about it after a few days. Now things get sore. This section covers everything from falling a off a high wall and breaking your arm to losing a leg after dropping that buzzsaw. The thing that keeps any pain at this level from going above 80% is that you have a high chance of survival.

80-99% "He will never do that again"
- This is where things have not gone according to your year book quote. You have obviously not planned on that safety rail being so loose or that gun being loaded. This section covers near death levels of pain where you were so lucky to survive that life is not worth living anymore, anything from loosing everything from the waist down to being a vegetable the rest of your worthless life.

100% "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today"
- Although it can?t be proved if death is the ultimate pain this is infact my guide and what I say goes. On a gooey sentimental side, if you die then the knock on effect to anyone that knows you could be the ultimate pain of all. This area covers being melted alive by burning hot silicon, being trampled to death by a stampeding heard of wilder beast or being impaled on a red hot pitchfork until your body gives up and you die.


Next up we have some experiments to show you. I thought long and hard about capturing the effect pain has on a victim and I decided that I don?t like being hurt so the ever willing for a laugh Spooky agreed to stand in front of a camera and feel pain for our great readers out there. Each screenshot links through to a small video of the experiment. These videos are totally unedited and are taken by a digital still camera set to movie mode. Please utilize your right mouse button and click "Save target as..."

Right, first up we have an experiment in which Spooky bends his finger in the wrong direction. This is not advised at home as you can break your finger. Spooky does not care.

Next up we have Spooky getting shot by a battery power BB mini-mp5. Voodoo is providing the plastering =)

Following on the BB gun flow we have a high powered BB handgun, which in recent tests have proven to be more painful then a few rounds of the mp5.

Here is one of Spooky being shot in the head with the handgun, very painful and as you can see Spooky is non too impressed.

In this one we use the same gun and the same Voodoo but this time, under the request of Spooky I might add, there is the highly painful 'nad-shot'.

Now, Guns are fun but they are nothing compared to the almighty Sp00n across the knuckles attack.

Next we have Spooky getting twated round the head with a heafty Black Box catalog. Very big and very heavy.

And when its all said and done Spooky is ok. Better luck next time Voodoo.

Well that about wraps up this guide. I hope that this guide has helped you to appreciate the what Pain can do for you and your work collogues. Next time you come face to face with Pain we hope you will be able to react accordingly to the knowledge I have presented to you, Pain can be many things to many people, it can be your friend when used against someone for personal gain such as the invasion of a country or as a deterrent, such as a slap in the face to stop someone you know and care about buying a Apple Macintosh. No Spooky's were overly hurt during the making of this guide although I can?t speak for the pain that Spooky caused Voodoo off camera.


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