This is meant to be humorous. For god sakes don't read this crap and actually go and kill yourself. For a start we need all the audience we can get, secondly even I have a conscience and I'd hate to have anybody else?s mistakes on it... its already full of mine.
In fact by reading this far into this document you accept full responsibility for your actions and neither myself nor the rest of int13h are in anyway responsible for anything you do. If your family member, loved one, pet monkey or Apple Macintosh kills themselves and you believe it was a result of this 'Guide To' I'm afraid you are very much mistaken. Please don't sue us as we are very poor.
Even in admitting the ultimate failure you turn to the veritable fountain of knowledge that is the now famous int13h 'guide to'. This of course confirms your inability to 'hack it' but since you've already resigned yourself to your impending fate we won't dwell on your worthlessness. Oh and if you're expecting some namby pamby bullshit about how life is a wonderfully precious thing and no matter how bad it seems it's never worth taking your own life, forget it! If you need counselling take your sorry hide elsewhere. We aren't going to bother convincing somebody as weak-willed as you that it's worth perpetuating the risk of you contaminating our gene pool further, instead we'd much rather enjoy a well staged and perfectly executed self immolation. Get the petrol and we'll supply the light... it's the int13h guide to suicide.
Ok, so basically you've decided to kill yourself. Well done. We'll forego the many reasons why this was the right thing to do and concentrate on the methodology of a superb auto-assassination. The first thing you have to decide is whether or not you want to be identifiable afterwards by any other means than dental records or DNA samples. If the answer to that question is 'Yes, I want people to look upon my perfect but lifeless form and feel a deep burning sense of remorse' then you are probably some 'play depressed' goth wannabe, go eat a couple of bottles of paracetamol and wash it down with gallon of unleaded... even if it doesn't kill you straight away at least you'll have a couple of days of intense agony before brain damage and kidney failure finish the job. 'A little harsh' I hear you cry... Honestly yes, but killing yourself is a serious business and the last thing our already over-stretched medical services need is a shed-load of 14 year old goths failing to off themselves properly. Respirators and Dialysis machines aren't cheap and 'depressed' youths are ten a penny . Suicide is not a cry for help, it's a aged and honourable tradition for the shamed and the pained.
The most important thing to remember about committing suicide is that you're actually trying to kill somebody, ok so its yourself but the principal is the same, you basically want to ensure the victim has as small a chance of survival as possible. The best suicide methods are the ones that involve mortal wounds or insane levels of physical trauma... remember the less of you there is left the more likely you are to be dead. Things like gassing and overdoses are too difficult to get right and the last thing anybody wants is for you to survive. Especially if you mess up enough to be seriously physically or mentally handicapped... no doubt you're already a big enough burden on your family and friends as it is. Of course inflicting this much damage to yourself requires a certain level of commitment, if you are merely after the sympathy vote then stick to the less destructive techniques and stop reading now. If you are unsure if you are in this category then consider the absolutely necessary suicide note. If at any point you are blaming anyone else, or attempting to avoid the responsibility for what you've done then you're quite clearly doing it to be found 'just in the nick of time'. Ideally it should be a succinct explanation and possible apology with little or no rambling emotional outbursts... Remember, its not like anybody cares anyway. The ideal suicide note should look like this.
Okie dokie, so you're still with us. It's time to get down to the nitty gritty. The best way to progress here is to discuss some of the more popular suicide techniques and explain exactly why they are wrong and where they can be improved on. Obviously a certified int13h 'top yourself' is a far more desirable thing to have on your toe tag. Methods will be judged on a scale between 1 and 5 lemmings with an adjusted lemming rating for the int13h certified technique. As usual, they are in no particular order.
3 cobains... erm I mean lemmings
Adjusted: 5 lemmings
This usually takes the form of holding a gun against your temple/forehead or placing the barrel in your mouth and pulling the trigger. The success varies depending on firearm used and placement of the barrel. As unlikely as it sounds it?s possible to shoot yourself in the face and survive, or in fact to miss completely. This is quite blatantly arse, that?s why we recommend one of two variants to this technique. The first involves sawing the barrel off of a .50 calibre sniper rifle and sticking the stub in your mouth, the second involves giving a mortar a blowjob. Either way, regardless of how shaky and nervous you are, once you pull that trigger its all over, guaranteed. Dental records wont mean shit after that.
Adjusted: 5 lemmings
Taking a razor blade or cutthroat razor, slash the veins in your wrist. Horizontal slashes are the least effective as you can be easily 'sewn' back together. Vertical slashes aren't much better despite the rumours. Unfortunately it's painful as hell and many people wimp out after the first one although allegedly a nice hot bath helps with that... I'm not sure if the relaxing Radox stuff is required but the rubber duck is definitely an optional extra. The basic premise is simple enough... slowly bleed to death. The problem with cuts is that it can take quite a while and you know what its like when you're in the bath, every bugger wants to get in there. The last thing you want is somebody walking in on your naked self bleeding to death and saving you. How embarrassing... hence the int13h twist. Why bother with just the wrist, there's no point doing things by half. Hire yourself either a heavy-duty shredder or a combine harvester and throw yourself head first into the workings. Unless there is a truly freaky act of god type thing you will be chopped, sliced and diced and end up with the consistency of chunk salsa... splendid. Not so much bled to death as juiced.
Leap of death.
Adjusted: 5 lemmings
Possibly the simplest suicide to arrange but the hardest to go through with. Basically it involves taking yourself to the top of a suitably high structure and swan diving off. The main problems are overcoming the natural urge to not jump, not being high enough to reach terminal velocity and of course doing it over a surface that wont kill you on impact. You'll be amazed how many people throw themselves off bridges that are situated over a substantial body of water. This is, of course, wrong. Even from insane heights water can still offer a survivable cushion where as steel reinforced concrete most definitely does not. One of the most important factors in a good quality guaranteed smashing is your impact velocity. If you are lucky enough to live within close proximity to a building or structure that will allow at least six seconds of freefall onto a cold and unforgiving piece of tarmac then little or no adjustment is required, rest assured, you will die. Unfortunately it will probably be of heart failure as 6 seconds is a long time when you're falling at 90 mph towards the impending splatness below. To remedy this problem merely engage in a little reverse bungee jumping. Attach a bungee cord to the pavement below and scale the side of the building. Once at the top pull the cord as tight as possible and tie it round your neck. Then proceed to throw yourself over the edge. Hopefully if you've done it properly and are now being pulling to the ground headfirst with a much higher force than gravity would normally exert. You should reach terminal velocity much quicker thus reducing the required height. Just remember to smile before you hit the ground as people will be able to see your face for weeks... human just doesn't wash out.
Adjusted: 5 lemmings
The favourite suicide method of prisoners and chronically depressed guitarists. It's a beautifully simple concept, use a rope and your own body weight to strangle yourself or break your neck. Light fittings, belts and rafters... the list of combinations is practically endless. However, the ideal situation would be to have a high enough drop to break your neck, thus death is pretty much instantaneous and you haven't got that couple of minutes of agonising choking wait with the unwelcome possibility of some sod walking in and cutting you down. Of course, why take that risk? Merely replace the rope or cord with cheese wire and attach one end to your neck and t'other to a large concrete slab at one end of a set of rails. Then climb into your handy dandy(tm) rocket sled and let rip... literally as your head is ripped clean from your now fidgeting torso. You know you dead. Or you will for the few seconds of tortured consciousness remaining to you.
Right, that should be enough for you to be getting on with. To be honest there are thousands more but I have neither the time nor inclination to catalogue them. Remember as a rule of thumb anything involving petrol or high explosives is good bet. Have fun kiddies... and remember, don't try this at home.