Amusing Yourself

Its another typical day in your typical week of your typical life, you're sat there in your chair reading the same graphics card review you have read on the last 4 hardware review websites only worded differently with a different fanboy approach each time. Although the outcome is pretty much always the same you continue reading on and on and on, why? Because you have nothing better to do. That mini basket ball and hoop game you got a while back is hanging off the wall and got old after the ball rolled under the bed and never returned, you lost the ball and the cat is looking increasingly unwell. Kicking the chair that your mate is sitting in can only hold your interest in short bursts as your mate gets more and more annoyed. Face it you just cant find anything interesting to do, your not Bored as you want to do something other then stare at the wall for 3 hours. What you need to do is Amuse yourself!

There are many ways to amuse yourself but none of which will spring to mind when you need a fix, as always it is time for you to flick to the book of life known simply as int13h. So what do we have in store for you with this guide? Well I am wondering the same thing, so lets just see what I can make up on the spot. There is going to be some basic outlines of different levels of personal amusement probably followed by some examples and toward the end there may even be a nice witty outro that will make all this make sense, I am not entirely sure how that?s going to come about but it sounds like fun anyway.

As you may or may not know there are many situations where you may want to amuse yourself but not every form of personal amusement is appropriate for every situation, for example the all time number 1 in personal amusement can only really be had on your own or without others knowledge (Aww come on, if I get it out the way now we can carry on without fear of it creeping up in mid sentence). Other forms of Self Amusement range from the small - throwing penny coins out the window at pigeons feeding on some bread scraps (I don?t know how they got there honest), to the more grand scale - buying a shed load of fireworks and seeing if you and your custom made rocket powered shopping trolley can make it through the red lights at the bottom of this steep road without fatal injury.

Here are some typical situations which we will assign SAL's (Self Amusement Level) to...

[Small Area] [Low Exposure] - SAL (10-15)
For example you are sat at your desk at work and there is hardly anyone about, there is plenty you could get away with without anyone noticing.

[Small Area] [High Exposure] - SAL (5-30)
Same situation as above but with lots of people in the room and they are probably not interested in your antics so either do something so good everyone enjoys it or keep it very hush hush and hope no one notices.

[Medium Area] [Low Exposure] - SAL (30-60)
A private car park preferably out of the public eye at night or over a weekend, you can get away with some good stuff without fear of getting caught.

[Medium Area] [High Exposure] - SAL (-50 - 80)
This is quite a big category really, it can range from public car parks on Saturdays to your local pub on any night of the week. If you are planning to go down this route you more then likely want others to see. The downfall being if you mess up you could be the laughing stock of the room and you might not be able to show your face in there again. Risky stuff.

[Large Area] [Low Exposure] - SAL (50-90)
Anything from a Large empty field to an quiet isle in a supermarket. Basically somewhere quite large with little or no public presence.

[Large Area] [High Exposure] - SAL (X)
Welcome to the daddy of Self Amusement, a busy town center, a holiday resort during peak season or even better yet LIVE TV. This can't be beat, with the possibility of millions of viewers you can do what you want. Fame or shame, its a very fine line.

As you can see from the various sections above Low Exposure is always a sure winner, the SAL rating on them is a lot tighter and it would be quite hard to produce a negative result from a Low Exposure situation. The Larger area situations are real mixed bag of piranha, if you have the guts you could be a real hero or go down in history as a real sad loser, fate is in your hands and if you are gunning for the big leagues you will need some serious preparation.

As you will know from reading previous guides, we are not going to leave you to fend for yourself so here are some juicy examples for you to try and you never know, you might find good ways of adapting them by adding your own special touch. I will give each example a 'recommended' area for you to use them in but to be fair a lot of them will work in other areas greater and smaller but of course that?s for you to foolishly find out. Don?t blame us when you are stuck half way up a lamppost with a traffic cone stuck in your ass on a busy Saturday morning downtown. On with the examples!

Examples 1 - [Small Area] [Low Exposure]

Lets start off with a classic, your sat in the office and everyone else is out to lunch, there is no one in sight and wont be for at least the next 30 mins or so. So on with the fun!

Wheel your chair into the most open space of the room, sit on the chair and spin... spin like you have never spun before. Now this is nothing new but is always a classic so how do we improve this little situation? Go over to the water fountain and fill two cups each half full of water, now return to the chair and sit down with the now pre-filled cups one in each hand (naturally), and get your spin on. You will notice that this is both more suspenseful and exciting while at the same time being more challenging. If you take into account that there is probably expensive computer equipment knocking about and if you spill a cup you are in a world of shit. Not bad but we can do much better with some more room.

Example 2 - [Medium Area] [Low Exposure]

Sticking with the office theme for the moment we will see what we can do if we have some more room. For this experiment you will need the following.

A Medium sized office complete with tables and cupboards devoid of people.
A trusted work colleague (The more the merrier).
2 Fairly longish sticks with but not required long flat ends.
Big pile of paper, the more important the better (try raiding the accounts area).
Some form of tape the more industrial the better naturally.
Some knowledge of the game (see below).

I will get to the basic rules in a moment. This Example has been dubbed Office Golf, in case you are intelligence starved and don?t know what golf is (*sigh*) here it is - You hit a ball in a direction toward a hole and attempt to 'putt' the ball in the hole in the least amount of whacks with only the use of a stick or club. Office Golf is a preferable alternative to all the walking involved in 'real' golf. Instead of a real golf ball we use a big pile of paper rolled up into some kind of round shape and held together with some rather fetching Tape. The ball should measure around 10cm in diameter. The Club has also been replaced by some form of plastic stick normally found behind a cupboard or two somewhere in the office, I don?t know what the original purpose of the stick was but it works very well as a club or bludgeoning device. The hole is slightly adapted too, a bin of some verity will do perfectly. There are a few additions to Office Golf that are not present in 'Real' Golf such as the famous "TABLE SHOT!".

"Table Shot" - Basically when you are playing you can call in the dreaded Table Shot which involves you standing on the nearest table and hitting your Ball. What is the point this? Well if you call a "Table Shot" then everyone else playing must do a "Table Shot" before putting their ball, so if you are in the lead you can make people suffer lots. Table shots can be stacked up!

To start the game 1 person must place the bin (Hole) somewhere in the building and someone else will go and find a nice spot to 'tee off'. Then the game commences, the winner is the one who putts their ball in the least amount of hits. Simple but effective, points are distributed accordingly for the most damage done to the rest of the office, then after all balls have been putted the real game starts..

Repairing the damage to the office so that no one notices on the next working day!

Example 3 - [Medium Area] [High Exposure]

This is amusing to say the least but as with all High Exposure antics you will need to have the guts to go through with it. Here is your shopping list..

A Can of shaving foam.
A slight appetite.

Simple but effective, walk into your nearest McDonalds or Burger King and order a smallish burger to take out , make sure people see you ordering the burger now eat the burger again making sure you are being observed, now make your way to the toilet. Once inside make sure no one sees, fill your mouth with the shaving foam, now run out the toilet screaming and holding your neck, dive onto the counter and start spazing out, now turn and run like your life depends on it as I am sure the cops are well on their way.

Example 4 - [Large Area] [High Exposure]

This one is not for the weak hearted, it require immense practice, skill and the grapefruits to pull it off. The object here is to provide yourself with total amusement with maximum exposure, obviously you are going to have to put yourself on the line as you do this. Its best not to think about the consequences of this one as it will more then likely involve a prison sentence of some kind and your name in the history books of shame. Here is that you need..

A very loud air horn.
A large foam hand of some verity, I will leave this up to you.
A brightly coloured attire.
A pair of comedy sized sunglasses.
One of those hats that holds beer cans and has straws coming from the hat to your mouth.
No sense of shame or fear.
A sick sense of humour.
And of course... guts!

Timing is very important, if you want to achieve maximum enjoyment you must be slightly sloshed and ready to be the center of attention for thousands of people. The trick is to sneak into some kind of state funeral and at the right moment, you will know when, make some serious noise while jumping up and down waving your foam hand. Simple in theory and not difficult in execution but having the goods to go through with it is where the difficulty lies, but when you look back at it you will be amused for years to come, not only that but it will give everyone else a chuckle I am sure. Its extreme and will get you in a lot of trouble but at least you will never forget it.

Well there you go. I think you can now come up with your own methods of amusing yourself, all it requires is an active imagination. Whether it be for a quick way to pass the time or some way of wasting an otherwise dull weekend I think you will find that Self Amusement is not only an art form but also a dark mistress that can consume your life. Remember that the more you experiment with ideas the more chance of something worth while arising, start small in some Low Exposure areas and see how far you can push your enjoyment level and don?t forget if its not fun, its not worth doing. Make sure you let your boss know that next time he drops a report on your lap.

That about wraps up the guide by now you are either struggling to fix that broke lamp you fell on or you have your name across the papers, not that you would know being behind bars awaiting trial for disturbing the peace. The important fact to remember is that it Self Amusement is an art form and no matter where you are there is always a place for it. Just don?t forget to keep a tube of super glue in your cupboard at work, you never know when that table leg will come lose again.

See you on the green!


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