World Domination

You'll need no other guides.... except those referenced to in this one...
which aren't in existence yet... so... no, you don't need any other guide...

Obviously you've given this a lot of thought. And why shouldn't you? I mean, world domination is in all probability, the best thing that can ever happen to a person. But then there the manner in getting, or rather, obtaining it. You see, you tried and tried, but since you were too lazy to get of your arse, nothing happened. and so, you turn to me. For I am the writer of the guide to... WORLD DOMINATION

Well, we have to determine what type of domination you are looking for. world domination is a very precise science. "But Mike, isn't world domination omni-encapsulate?" you ask me. And according to ISO1437 rules I must now laugh in your face and slap you silly. No, of course not! World Domination. let us define the terms, shall we?

WORLD : n, pr: warld, (example: ~ domination) A realm (or a subdivision of this realm) consisting of habitable area, bordered by either the uncrossable, or the uninhabitable. Now, to be frank, you won't find it in a dictionary like this, but think about it. I'm right. I know I am. You just need to know as well, so we can continue this guide.

DOMINATION : n, pr: dah-mee-nay-shion, (example: world ~) a position of power wherein one has (complete and utter) control over a sub layer of reality (according to algebra, if A has sub layer B, then b -can be A too, since it will contain all elements in A, yet is named differently...but enough about that. I am trying to establish you COULD in theory control all of reality, even if you're so fatheaded that you need to turn to a guide to... to figure things out), which can either be inanimate, or animate. in the latter case, ~ also involves making crucial decisions concerning the lives of the animates in your favor. do not mistake ~ with REIGN. ~ does not require ethics or compassion. REIGN does.

Through deduction this leads us to :

WORLD DOMINATION : c, pr: warld-dah-mee-nay-shion (example: guide to ... ~) a position of power wherein one has control over a realm or subdivision of that realm, preferrably inhabited, so that the lives of insignificant others may be controlled with utter contempt for the results of this outcome other than personal gain.

Right, the terms have been defined. let's have a closer look at those type of domination you might be interested in. It may be a good idea to turn your world domination into a domination of a type most suitable to your character. Though some of these types are not entirely accepted as "world domination" yet, as soon as I take over power on this puny planet, they will be. So pay attention.

- Refrigerator Domination : The fridge is yours. You have affirmed this by stacking as many beers as you can in every compartment, except for the salad drawer, where you keep your kebab for latenite drinking festivities. the world is in this case the refrigerator. "But Mike, it's not inhabited!" I hear you say. I fear ISO9002,4 requires me to now handcuff you to the heater and let applied physics do it's thing. You see, you never pay attention to the mystic world (Ah Ha!) of the fridge, but I have learned one thing, and that is it is DEFINITELY inhabited. you see, the fridge is the home of little elves who dislike beer and kebabs. the only way you can feel good about yourself, and prepare for more domination, is by making their lives miserable. this will show your contempt for all things against beer and kebab, and will affirm that you are truly a refrigerator dominator. It is advised that you do not try any further domination until you have mastered fridge domination.

- Car Domination : You have a car. (if you do not have one, get one. I don't care how. also, get a job that requires carpooling. trust me, all will become clear) This car can be strategically used for a demonic position of domination of unprecedented imagining! Yes aspiring world dominators, it is truly a thing of the darkest gods. You see, in the ancient times, we had to contend with boats of all sorts, and we needed a complete crew that could slice your throat easily before you could even pretend to dominate the realm. Now however, all you need is a car, a few coworkers that work under you, or that you has no respect for, and that magic need to attain world domination through careful preparation. The domination starts when you are the driver. Make sure you have a CD/Tape player. domination can be found by playing the most obnoxious music you can find at almost inaudible levels. preferably easy listening muzak. it is guaranteed to drive your coworkers or co-car-inhabitant insane, begging you to turn it off. the time has come to set up conditions to be met, before you give up your new found dominating position of power. you see, domination is nothing without the prospect of losing it again. this is the idea of "lulling your victims into a false sense of security". Security, my brothers and sisters, is the key. For without security, there is distrust, and without trust, there is a breeding ground for trust. which can be abused. which leads to domination. which brings us to

- Work Domination : If you have come this far, you are ready for some of the good and rewarding domination applications. Work is not what you think. it is not the activity of performing mindless repetitive actions for the benefit of others! Oh no! it is, in fact, the petridish of world domination. look around you. many are distrustful of others, middle management is constantly changing, and there is no such thing as bonding with your fellow workers, as they might stab you in the back. Which is, of course, what you need to do. backstabbing is a subtle art of domination. the world - the work place. it is inhabited by lowly creatures that wonder around, producing paper trails and drinking caffeine substrates. this is where you must be vigilant even though it is not yet corporate acceptance to listen to other peoples conversations and read their confidential material (* unless you are a system administrator, in which case you can stop reading this part and skip ahead to System Domination. unless you feel that you are incapable of your job, and would feel better of being a lower-than-dirt peon to some middle management diversity jackass) it IS accepted to find this material in the LAN printer and in the Xerox machine. it may take a while, but you WILL find some. and the moment you do, you must think D-E-D : Define - Exploit - Dominate. First you must define the true context. if a coworker has printed his/her resume, chances are he/she is looking for a new job. this is a perfect time to start debunking his or her work, and letting them know they can make you stop, by improving your life's quality. and isn't that what it's all about? quality? of course it is! the exploitation can begin. this might take all shapes, and I shall leave you with your own sick mind to think of ways to construct foolproof exploitations (because this is not the "guide to ... Successful Exploitation"). Domination has set in the moment your exploitation has rewarded you. Remember, all domination is temporary. (except for Trans-existential Domination which, let's be frank, you will never experience.) therefore, you must master this art, and move on to bigger goals. and remember too : others have been where you are now. obviously, you can do better still!

- System Domination : This part is only of use if you are a system administrator. You must realize that you have already a tremendous amount of power. I am here to teach you how to turn that power into obvious situations of domination. you may think you're already in that position ... I have only a few words for you : It may seem like you are, but with my help you will become the alpha admin within your company. you will rule with a polymere fist!... (okay, so that was a bit more than a few words. sure me, and I'll expose you for what you wish to become. so there!) If your companies entire network does NOT run on a single computer, migrate it to be so. I hear you already "Erm, Mike. wouldn't that mean that if that thing sort of, um, crashed, the ENTIRE network would be down?" well, there is no need to state the obvious unless it gets you more power. so shut up. YES OF COURSE! you must also make sure you have a complete copy of the system on a different computer. preferably, the one YOU use most frequently. downing the network is one of those things that will pay off later. now listen up. You will set up a few new company rules. yes you will! trust me. the first is called "secure-access". usernames and password must rotate every 10 days. not every ten workdays, but every ten days. make the new passwords available in the last 7 minutes of the 10th day. after two minutes, shut off the computer that hosts the network. blame it on the net congestion caused by massive consulting by every devil-spawned employee in the building. there are two things you can now do. ask for more funding to make the system more reliable. this is good. money always works nicely. of course, you will use it for your own benefit. the second option, which is much nicer, is to strike bargains with certain users so that they "may" consult their new user/pass a few minutes in advance. by company mail or something. this will not be free. I'm thinking along the lines of anything that will make your ego bigger and your wallet a bit bigger in the process. the lovely thing about this concept is that a network can "down" as frequent if you like. all it takes is a strategic "plastic fondling" action. mostly the on/off button but you can also perform random acts of glitchness. make the LAN printers only available to user with the code Sh1T3 in their username. charge people for changing their username. alternatively, make the new username/password list a public listing. staple it to the lunch board. charge people to remove them from the list. oh god, I could go on for hours, but that would be unfair. you would be reading instead of implementing these changes. why are you still here? get on with it!

- Verbal Domination : you wonder "Mike, why is verbal domination more difficult than the previous ones? surely this one should not even be considered?" oh dear. you are about to receive a painful treatment of ISO13005. you see, it involved hitting you over the head with a detonator coil, suitable for a small nuclear device. without setting it off. because that will leave open a window of opportunity where I might exploit you. but back to the lesson. no, verbal domination is truly a master's domination. written words are the easy part, but you need to learn fitting retorts to a wide variety of situations. if someone is trying to dominate you at work, wouldn't you like to have that one line that can 180 the situation into your favor? of course! and for that, you must practice. (and have a fake ID and workplace... but this is not the "guide to ... Aliases") for instance someone is trying to blackmail you because you did your bosses' wife. wouldn't you like to have thought of "I sure have and boy does it bring possibilities. Shouldn't you be printing a resume? You're -this- close to being downsized... I've seen your job appraisal. Ouch. for a minor fee I'll let you in on how to improve those problems you're having." on the spot? of course you would. it would mean instant DEED - success. but you need training. The best way to train is by getting a temp job at a law firm. Listen to the masters. learn and assimilate. you know you've graduated this domination level if you manage to earn more on a yearly bases than your boss.

Before we proceed, a word of the wise (or rather, a collection of words from wise PmI) : If you have mastered verbal domination, you are ready for big league domination. these are not easily classified, so I will do this in terms of habitation-segments. we shall start easy, and work our way to near-all out-world domination.

- Regional Dominance : regional dominance is a difficult thing. unlike controlled environments, you must get control over it first. the most accepted way to do this is by becoming the political treasurer for the region. you don't need anything other than basic math skills, a big mouth, a pocket calculator and a legal pad with matching pen. The way to treasurer is surprisingly easy, if you are willing to kill for it. if you aren't I fear I must tell you that I have no reservation in killing you, because you've come this far, and there is no backing out now. you will either try killing, or die, knowing you are a pathetic loser. "But PmI... err... killing??" well, come on! it's not you know any of these people personally? they are insignificant ants that need to be crushed on the road to perfected domination. it's a price worth paying. we're not performing acts of nice benevolent feary gods here... sheesh. Anyway, the killing can be done any way you like, but kill your way to treasurer. and make it look accidental too. you can goof up once, if the blame isn't on you. otherwise, go home and dominate the fridge dammit. there is no place for goofs in the train to domination central. After you have become treasurer, the trick is to make people think they are getting money, while restricting the supply. you see, money is the key to dominance. you must make sure that the excuses you will have when they start complaining are vague, yet plausible. the only way they will be able to get their money, is by performing acts that will improve, yes, your life's quality. the sad thing is of course, you will eventually lose your domination, and the trick is to quit while you're ahead. you must become

- Interregional dominator : Somewhat more difficult, this position is actually made up a few things. they are as follows:

Spiritual Leader : Since the dawn of mankind, spiritualism has been used to explain the inner workings of the universe. (I don't know why, I can tell you that in seventeen minutes and 43 seconds, but so if) the more brighter persons understood that this is the position of choice for domination. The spirits may know all, but you're their agent and manager. without you, no one would know what they wanted... so why not turn that into a nice domination situation? DEED I always say. the definition is rather simplistic. you are subjecting lots of people to the will of fictitious characters. the exploitation is equally simplistic. the spirits can be channeled. though physical possession is out of the question (* unless you are the roman catholic church, but that's been done before) you can still force habits upon people. forcing them to eat certain food may be fun for a while, but you tire of it. think "grotesque". let them build shrines in which you will live, devoted to the spirits! let them offer the spirits foords and drink! make alcohol and mind twisting drugs part of the holy consummations! prohibit sex after marriage, and while you're at it, denounce marriage, as it is the source of many headaches and interpersonal emotional distresses! yes, spiritualism is a great thing. but you can do better.

Conflictional Leader : "PmI, what the heck is that?" Well, I am under the assumption that pretty much everything I tell you here is new to you, so I'll humor you and explain. a conflictional leader is a complex term for something simple. you don't need to be a psychologist to explain to people what is wrong with them. the difference between a psychologist and a regular know-it-all is that the latter doesn't have to be politically correct... or nice. but it helps if you *pretend* to sympathize anyway. a conflictional leader is someone who will resolve conflicts and settle disputes, but has no scruples whatsoever, and feels comfortable with being bribed. he also has a mob of hired goons to beat up any unsatisfied party. this works well with small disputes. but how about on regional or even interregional scales? well, that's more the work for a...

Military Leader : And don't go around saying you will not become military because you are against killing or blindly following orders. if you opposed to killing, you wouldn't be reading this, because you're AT LEAST treasurer by now. as for taking orders... HELLO?!?! we are going to attain a domination here. "He who does not wish to take order, should not aspire to give them" that's Mikean wisdom. forget it and I'll pummel you relentlessly. (it's an ISO1922 rule) now, the process of climbing in the ranks is remarkably easy, if you're willing to backstab your buddies. if you don't, it might take 40 years. if you stab some back, it might take as little as twenty weeks. first of all, make sure that everyone in your bataljon seems less competent than you. that should get you up two ranks. engage a general in a tactics discussion. use verbal domination to convince him he's wrong and you're right. make sure he notices you promotions. he will appreciate him. whenever he makes a choice you agree with, let him know you do. this will only get you as far as one step from generalissimo. that last step seems sort of nasty, but really it's just a snap of the fingers. make on the old geezer "wander off" into the sunset on a fine April morning. or just make it look like an accident. once you have established command, attack some insignificant country. I dunno, Malkevia should do the trick. I think you know that spells domination, so we move on to the finest there is, aside from non-linear, cross-temporal, omni-existential domination. which you will never attain. you were born, so that by definition excludes you from that one. sorry.

- Political Leader -

Yes, There it is. you were expecting it, weren't you. the easiest way to do this is actually quite fun too. mug either Bill Gates, Richard Branson or the chief of AOL, and use their capital to run for the USA presidency. you don't need to know anything about politics, just make sure you have tons and tons of cash, and you'll "lower taxes, and improve healthcare" don't touch the guns issue unless someone in your family gets shot several times. also, don't mention the Indians. you'll be fine. amazingly, the only country in the world where politics and capability have nothing to do with each other is north America, so go with it. After you have become president, the fun starts. you can appoint Military leaders, and though somewhat controversial, you can ALSO appoint spiritual leaders to form a national religion. everyone that is against you can be given more healthcare. they will shut up. the nice thing about being a political leader as I recommend you to be, is that you automatically become large-scale conflictional leader as well. it's like a pick nick with more food than you can eat! and the beer is free! There is of course one catch. you can only be a USA president for eight years in a row. but that's plenty of time to change the law. or to use figureheads as next presidents! while it may seem that you must sometimes perform tough political things like making decisions, that is only good for you. it trains your mind, and let's you stay alert. Also, make sure you believe in the god(s) of the major religion in the USA at that time. most likely, this will be a comic character from either "United Media" or "King Features" though "Garfield" might be a good one too. On a final note, I'd like to say that it can last as long as you want, as long as you are willing to keep uninformed about what the military is doing as spec-ops. make sure you have enough able men to defend against a coup.

That's it. you may think "Wow. I can now become a political leader!" well, you can, but you obviously forgot to look CLOSELY between the lines. you see, even though you might attain a position of domination, I will still be in control. there was a price to pay for learning a bit on domination. fell scared yet? you should be. I think it is time to do a little [file]-[view source] here... hehe... you don't think I'd let you get away that easy would you? you read all this, and that means you have been indoctrinated by my hidden messages. all domination you will attempt will work. but you WILL allow me to call any shots that I see fit to call. sucker. it will cost you about half your annual income to read my de-programming document. how's that for domination?! MWAHAAHAAHAA!!!


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