YOU DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT SURVIVING AN ASTEROID IMPACT
As you may be aware, the recently discovered asteroid NT7 has an orbit that crosses the path of Earth's orbit every few years. There is a very slight chance that if left unchecked, this object 2km in diameter will hit us, possibly as soon as 1st February 2019. The resulting impact would release the energy equivalent to approximately 1,160,000 megatons of TNT. Bearing in mind that the atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima was the equivalent to 15 kilotons of TNT, you get an idea how much damage an object like this can cause. But if the worst happened, and a collision was unavoidable, what could you do? Dick! Yes, that?s right! Although if you read on, you might stand a sporting chance at making it.
Large objects have hit The Earth before. In fact it has been hit many times. The one that was thought to have wiped out the dinosaurs 65 million years ago was greater than 6km in diameter. As recently as 1908 an asteroid big enough to destroy a city exploded in the atmosphere over a remote part of Siberia, levelling trees up to 10km away. That one was thought to have been only 50 metres across. So it?s not so far fetched that some day the whole human race (bar myself and maybe a few chosen by myself) will be wiped out.
"But how come you know how to survive?" I hear you ask. Computer modelling my friends. To stress test my new Pentium 4, I?ve been running gruelling calculations to work out what the most likely outcomes are, and what steps can be taken to counter them. The results are startling and conclusive.
Firstly, you need to know what is going to hit you. Luckily it is quite straightforward to get measurements about the material make up of an object in space from the light and radiation reflected or emanating from it. From early readings it has been predicted that NT7 is in fact a large mass of porn that was not quite big enough to form a black hole. NT7 has a ?hard core?E mostly of highly compacted or long play VHS porn.
When anything enters the atmosphere at high velocity, it heats up. This is due to friction with the air. Luckily for us this causes the many hundreds of smaller objects that pelt our planet each year to get burnt up before they even reach the ground, leaving only a few magazines and such in abandoned railway sidings. But in the case of a very large porn based object, it turns it into an immense ball of hot porn. The chances are, that if you can see this flaming ball of porn, you are too close to ground zero to live through the event. But I'm sure it would be very interesting to watch.
If you were actually stood at the point of impact you would be vaporised. On the plus side it would happen so fast that you wouldn?t feel it. You could of course die of a heart attack from fear or over stimulation, and then be vaporised.
The effects of the actual collision do vary. The Earth's surface is not the same in all places. Oceans cover 70% of it, and so the most likely outcome is a water-based impact. You may think this would be a good thing, but this is not the case.
When a large amount of water is displaced very quickly in an ocean, a tidal wave is formed. These giant waves are called 'mega-tsunami'. Just like dropping a stone into a pond, the ripples emanate out in all directions. Travelling at speeds of up to 1,000kph, within hours they would reach all the surrounding coasts. By the time it reaches the shore, the tidal wave can be as high as 1km (twice as high as the tallest buildings) and travel several tens of kilometres inland. You would either drown, or be crushed under porn debris.
But what if the porn hits land? Well, a big bang is the answer. A crater would be formed many times larger than the object that created it. For example, Meteor Crater in Arizona, USA is a 1.2km wide hole in the ground created by a soft core mass a mere 50m across hitting the ground at 60,000kph.
Lumps of porn the size of houses would be thrown hundreds of miles. A lot of dust and debris would even be thrown into low orbit. This would create a cloud of porn that would encircle much of the planet, raining down fiery lumps of porn thousands of miles away from ground zero, burning down buildings and turning day to night. Winds stronger than the worst hurricanes would level many cities. So you would probably be burned to death in your home, or die from high velocity porn hitting you. Not much would survive within 1,000km.
The impact could also trigger other natural events such as earthquakes and volcanoes, even on the other side of the world. There aren't many places that would be totally safe. Debris would also eventually fall to earth, possibly contaminating drinking water supplies. Dehydration, starvation, disease, and wrist ache are all factors here.
But it's not all bad.
These things have happened quite a number of times in Earth's history, resulting in mass extinctions of species, and each time nature has bounced back, with animals filling the gaps left behind. This shows that with a bit of good fortune you can be one of the survivors.
So how do you live through one of these things? To start with you need to know where and when it is going to hit. Therefore, when the worst happens, you can happily be some considerable distance from the resultant explosion. Ideally somewhere like The Moon, or better still, Mars.
Safety on a Shoestring
But what if you are restricted to a budget that doesn't run to many billions, where is it best to be? Not on the same continent is the simple answer. You then need shelter. The most obvious solution is to construct yourself some sort of porn proof bunker. But even these are prohibitively expensive. Luckily there is a simple solution, which is to take your existing abode and reinforce it to withstand the elements.
It?s quite simple to do, and you only need a few things. Firstly, you need beer. No construction project is complete without copious quantities of alcoholic beverages. Straight lines are so pass?Eanyhow. Secondly you need 200 industrial rolls of bubble wrap. The large bubble variety is best. This should be affixed to the outside of the property with as many rolls of packing tape as necessary. There is also the added bonus of increased insulation. Lastly, you need a long reel of hosepipe to act as a breathing tube. I have tested bubble wrap, and found you cannot adequately breathe through it.
Now you need to stock your bunker. You should do this plenty of time in advance, as other people will be stocking up too. They may not even be able to stock the shelves fast enough to meet demand. Obvious things like bottled water and tinned foods will go first, and then when supplies of these run out, people will fight over the last of anything left. But the smart man will buy up (or loot) all the cheap beer and crisps they can. Make sure it?s the good stuff though. Remember you could be stuck with it for 6 months.
Next you need power. You may not be able to rely on mains power. Some sort of generator to power lights, and so you can play Mangband and watch all the porno movies that by that time should be scattered everywhere. You will need enough fuel to run this for some time.
Something you will definitely need while you are locked away from the desolation outside is companionship. Without human interaction, you will quickly become bored. Quite obviously you want to be looking for members of the opposite sex in this respect. After all, you may need to help repopulate the planet. You might think this is easier said than done, but I think you'll be surprised how attractive someone with their own porn proof shelter is. You should look for people who are reasonably talented, smart, and most importantly attractive. The last thing we want is to repopulate while devolving closer to chimps again.
Lastly, you need to defend your bunker. As mentioned earlier, if you have beer, crisps and porn, and other people don't, you will be a target for the mobs. There are few limits to what a crowd of n00bies are likely to do. You need a gun. You need a big gun. Something that makes lots of noise, making them think twice about messing with you. A shotgun would probably be the best choice unless you live in the US or some other country where machineguns can be purchased over the counter. You may want to get some practice with your weapon, and even use it for hunting escaped zoo animals for their meat. Some security cameras and motion detectors will also give you some warning of attacks.
Here's a quick checklist of other useful items:
5,000 piece jigsaw
In the last few days before impact, society will probably start to fray at the edges. Looting will start. You might wish to move into your bunker before things degenerate too far. You will probably spend a lot of time watching TV or listening to the radio. The impact will certainly be televised. It should make for great entertainment. Although there will probably be one of those long stretched out build-ups. You may even want to tape it all, so you can fast-forward all the religious crap, and the adverts.
After a couple of days, the clouds of dust will probably be rolling over the sky, making twilight during the day, and very dark nights. This could last anything from days, to weeks, to months. Best to stay inside with a cold beer eh?
It's probably not worth leaving your shelter unless there is a reasonable amount of sunshine, and most of the dust has fallen. When you emerge, the world may be a very different place. The porn will lay thick on everything. The environment may even seem reminiscent of Mad Max. There will almost certainly be television, but it will be mostly reruns and news. Doh!
Having a mountain sized lump of porn intersecting with your planet is going to put a dampener on most people?s lives, but if you plan ahead you stand a good chance of being one of the survivors. Life will eventually bounce back again.
I still don?t expect you guys to live through it though, because it?s painfully obvious that you don?t know shit about surviving an asteroid impact.