YDKS about Gravity

YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT GRAVITY

Many people believe that gravity is the force that binds us to this earth, instead of hurling us into space like it really should. This is wrong. the fact that you believe this only demonstrates you don't know shit about gravity at all. I am here to help solve that problem. But not very much. I don't want you smarter than me, just smart enough to make money-making decisions that will make me supreme ruler of this wimpy realm you call "home". But enough about that.

Gravity is not the force that binds us to this planet. gravity is the force that is generated when fruit hits something. The first person to discover this rare fact was Mr. Newton. He happened upon it when an apple forced him to acknowledge the fact that gravity smarts. A lot. He also discovered that the measure of force had, miraculously, the same name as he did. Imagine his marvel.

Because all over the world, all the time, fruit is plummeting towards the earth, and the consequent gravity of these drops spread out over the continents, we stay on the ground as opposed to flying free like a kiddy's balloon after snipping the wire (no, that's NOT cruel). The reason so many airplanes fly over the ocean is because there is less gravity there. The "fruit of the sea", you see, doesn't fall quite as fast as regular ground fruits, so the gravity is lower. You might think "is the gravitation constant in air higher than the fall-acceleration in water?". Don't. This would be circular reasoning. I like that too, but not when I'm teaching you something valuable. An Experiment has been devised to demonstrate the differences between gravity on land, and on water.

For this experiment, you will need:
a - A swimming pool
b - An industrial oil tanker ship, preferably 30 years old, or older
c - A lake, or body of water that is not fixed on ground. I suppose a river will do too.

First, to demonstrate that gravity is low on water, place the ship in the large body of water, like so:

----.________.-------.________.-------.________.------- } SHORE


                                      __
                             ________|++|
           ____             |------------|
           ###______________|____________|            } SHIP IN WATER
            ##############################/
             ############################/
              ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


______.-------.________.-------.________.-------.______ } SHORE

You will notice that the ship doesn't sink. That means it's floating freely. This is because the gravity on water is high enough to pull things down, but not high enough to pull them down lower than the water-surface. This has nothing to do with upward force by the water. If you thought that was the cause, then obviously you don't know shit about water either.

Now, Go outside to your yard, or where ever, and place the ship in the pool, like so :

                             __
                    ________|++|
  ____             |------------|
  ###______________|____________| <-----------SHIP 
   ##############################/
    ############################/
     --------------------------/
|--------|
|________| <------------------------------------POOL

You will notice that almost immediately after you place the ship in the pool, it will fall over. The effect will be even greater when, right after you have placed the ship in the pool, you fire fruit at it (I suggest cantaloupes). This is because the impact of the fruit with the ship releases the gravity from the fruits.

I hear you wonder: "Gravity is located INSIDE fruit?" But of course! Why do you think you get heavier while eating fruit, and you get lighter when you digest it? The gravity that is caused by the pieces of fruit bouncing off your body's innards causes your weight to increase. Likewise, the less fruit there is in you, the less additional gravity is being produced.

For some time now, people have been trying to create anti-gravity drives. These people, like you, are knowledgly challenged in the field of gravity. Through reason and logic, it can be deduced that there is no way to negate fruit in a safe way. Therefore, an antigravity drive will only be possible in a universe without fruit. This means that for the drive to work, we must open a parallel universe, without fruit, and run the drive there. Think about it. You know it makes sense.

While the use of less gravity seems great, people tend to overlook the use of even MORE gravity. Have you ever wondered why large skyscrapers can collapse under high wind conditions, yet fruit warehouses stay firmly stuck to the ground? INDEED! Fruit! Yes my friends, fruit is a marvelous piece of packaged gravity, just waiting to be used in construction to make thing heavier, and thereby, more solid.
An interesting phenomenon has recently been studied by some scientist who were bored (who went on to win the Nobel prize for gravitation discrepancies) and they discovered that the gravity is actually contained within the fruit sugar molecules! It's true! They have managed to isolate this particular molecule of being the bearer of gravity, through a process called "distilled fermentalisation"

This process can be repeated in your home.

Get some fruit. banana's, apples, oranges, peaches, some cherries, strawberries, anything. make sure you mind your back, they can be heavy.

Dump them in a big vat, and mush it up good. Pretend you're a blender. Let it stand for about a week. preferably in a warm place.

Drain the liquids into a bucket, and toss away the fruit. notice how much lighter it now is. this was the first clue to the strange transferal of gravity.

Distill the juices from the bucket. A strange, clear liquid will reveal itself. This liquid contains the gravity in a concentrated form. This can be verified in pretty much the same way as you would do with fruit.

You must consume it. The concentration is a bit tricky: it will start off as not seeming to contain gravity at all, but rest asured after a proper enough quantity, you will not be able to stand up anymore, such has your weight increased!

And now that I have relieved as much about gravity as I comfortably can let you deal with, I will leave you to the experiments.

And remember: you don't know shit about gravity!

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