You know, I've been thinking.

This happens on a regular basis, it comes with being the superior tome of wisdom that is here to teach you about things you didn't even think existed (or as I will soon prove, don't anyway), but I was thinking. And as I was thinking, I had the odd impulse to voice the current thought. As luck would have it, I happened to voice it in the warm deranged blanket that is int13h, and as such this though has become an expansion on something essential of which it is about time you learned it's meaning. Because quite frankly, I'm convinced of that fact that...

You Don't Know Shit About... STRING

You heard me. The mere fact that you just wondered 'wtf' proves I have much work to do, but also affirms that you just don't know shit about string. You see, our universe is in all fairness, dominated by string. Now I can hear you thinking 'String.. yeah that might work, if I had a tasty bird to have wear it.' which on itself is a good start, but hardly comes close to the vast reality that string dominates.

You see, STRING is not just a fabric. It is not just a thread of random material used to conviently hang someone with ("to string up"), catch someone with ("to string"), wrangle people with ("to stringle" .. look it up in the dictionary. if it's not in there, contact us, they've obviously forgotten to list it, buggers), or something to elaborate your sexlife with ("G-string", though preferably not the fuzzy kind).

No, STRING is much more. It took the great minds of this earth quite a while to figure out the basic essence of what string truely is, and to be honest they still haven't figured it out, however that's where I step in. STRING defines reality. It is everywhere. You just can't see it. That probably didn't do it for you so instead of just saying this, I have devised a few experiments by which you can verify for yourself that STRING indeed does so very much define reality (insofar as it is real to start with, more on that in the next guide).


A good question, a complex answer, made easy through the use of a convenient amount of household items. the first step is foremost to examine what STRING does.

For this experiment you will need:

- a 5 string ibanez edb6 (white)
- a 16" speaker amplifier with 19" subwoofer
- a small office building with a glass outer wall. (the more walls, the better)
- 1250 Watts of additional speakerness

The setup for this experiment is fairly straight forward and I believe that anyone would be able to imagine the rest, however for completeness, and because I no faith in you when we get down to real business, the procedure:

1 - place the sound system up as perimeter arch around the glass wall (figure 1). hook up bass to sound system.


    |                            |
    |                            |
    |                            |
    ||===|====|===|====|===|====||   <--[ office's glass wall

    O                           O

         O                O
              O  [x]  O

                  ^---[ you (preferably with bass guitar)

    ^----^----^-------^---^-----^------[ speakers

[figure 1]

The first thing to notice is that the bass is actually outfitted with a metamanifestation of STRING. it's the metal things that run from the top to the bottom that you can fondle. What you DON'T see is that the STRING actually interconnected with everything else in reality. This is of course hard to believe for non-knowers, so

2 - set all dials to 'max', turn on the system (figure 2) and hit the low B string.


         (a)              (b)
      _________        _______
     [  ___    ]       |      \      A
     [ [   ] 0 ]       |    1  ]\    |
     [ [___]   ]       |    -  ]  \  |
     [ [xxx] 1 ]       |    0  ]/ \| |
     [ [___]   ]       |       ]
     [_________]       |_______]
     (front view)      (side view)

[figure 2] a) button switch b) flip switch

If you do not see any result, you need a new sound system because that 15" amp that you thought you could get away with just won't cut it. If on the other hand you can't hear anything, seek medical help.

You see because what this experiment most definitely has done if you properly prepared, is it blew out every window in the wall, and probably your ears too.


STRING is everywhere. The moment you tockled your bass, the STRING started a chain reaction throughout reality. Everything close enough to the bass STRING was forced to resonate ("to act like a string") with the master STRINGs on the bass. Since we all know glass isn't too good at resonating, instead it decided to give up and explode. (You might wonder the actual validity of this experiment, surely the same result could be achieved with a threadcharge running through the wall, and I would have to point out that, yes, that would work. a thread charge is an explosives STRING. So while that is another experiment altogether, the result would be the same). Also, it is quite likely that the STRING that makes up your ear had to yield to the power of this experiment. luckily you only had to do it once, you won't need your ears for the rest of the demonstrational sections.

I might here you think "hang on... so what, now I have broken glass, and bleeding ears. How does this prove anything?" to which I fear you missed the essence of this experiment. We're not there yet (Also I like to have you crippled, it makes it easier for me to do all sorts of "nabbing your kit when you're not looking" related activities).

We have only observed the effect of STRING. It's undeniably there, so with that much down, we go on the see what STRING really is. Now there is a small paradox, as the only thing on earth that can physically perceive STRING is cats. more about this later. We will attempt to manoeuvre around this nasty twist of fate by focussing on the fact that if STRING exists, it must visually and immediately interact with it's surrounding. The 'effect' experiment showed the power of the STRING, the next experiment shows the subtle permeance of STRING in reality.

Needed for the experiment:

- a halogen 300 Watt tube.
- a dimmer circuit (usually found attached to your livingroom wall, just rip it off, no one uses it anyway)
- A 380V 16A highvoltage outlet.
- 2 nails and metal wire.
- rubber gloves
- a lead plate of some sort (preferably with a small piece of darkened plexiglass windowing in it)

The setup is amazingly simple.

Put on the gloves. stab nails in the high voltage outlet. connect a wire to each nail, and run one of the wires through the dimmer. set the dimmer to 'I can't see anything', and hook up the halogen lamp. From behind the lead plate (I need you relatively alive after this, otherwise there's really no point for you to have read this) set the dimmer through 'comfortable reading light', 'illuminescence galor' and 'do not step into the light' all the way to 'halogen isn't supposed to spontaneously decompose into plasma'.

This will have generated a massive burst of light (the STRING responsible for allowing you to see things), which if you were looking closely (though you might not be able to read this now anymore) emenated from the smaller STRING in the halogen lamp. if you can't see anything, just remember from before this moment (otherwise you should still be able to see it) that the sun also emits light. While the sun is NOT a giant halogen lamp (I know, it's easy to confuse it for one) it -is- comprised of an immense amount of glowing STRINGs. proving this experimentally is slightly beyond the scope of this guide (plus I can only do it once, so I'm saving it for a special occasion) however sicne I've been right on everything so far, you'll have to trust me on this one.

So now we know STRING is real (sic), and that it is responsible for the big thing in the sky that allows life to exist. However we can't directly see the normal version of STRING. all we can perceive are metamanifestations and direct derivatives. How, then, can we definitely see that I am right and you knew shit about STRINGs?

One word: cats.

For the last experiment you will need:

- a cat (preferably a bigass coon cat, but if you don't have one on you, a normal housecat will do)
- a string
- a wall (not glass, and still intact)


place the cat in front of the wall, and jiggle the string to the side of the wall.

observable effect: the cat will start trying to destroy the STRING. (While the feline agenda in regards to STRING is mainly shrouded in mystery, we can assume they are god's ultimate weapon of undoing, as these are the only creatures who actively attempt to destroy the very proverbial fabric that holds reality together.)

Now that we know how cats react to STRING, remove the string (notice capitalisation) from the scenario and leave the cat sitting in front of the wall. You will notice that after a while for (non initiates) the cat will start to act as if the wall still contains string, following it with it's eyes and looking intently evil at it.

We can herby infer that while you have removed the string, STRING still permeates local reality and therefore must exist outside the metamanifestation that you consider to be 'string'.

So there you have it, STRING always exists, everywhere, and you can't do a damn thing about it. To be honest, this version of STRING theory is a lot more understandable (not to mention testable) than the version the 'scientists' came up with, but as is the good tradition of science, they're wrong. They're just very good at making it sound like they're not. I'll give them that.

All is STRING and STRING is all, and those in doubt should be left alone in a dark room with a very large cat to convert them into believers. Preferably something like a sumatran tiger or the likes.

I've been your existential interpreter, and remember to remind others:

"You Don't Know Shit About STRING."


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