YDKS about Perpetual Energy


Infinite energy from a single source has long been the dream of physicists the world over. Many have argued over the feasibility of zero point energy. Others have clung to dreams of quantum accelerators and positron colliders. We at int13h have the knowledge and the means to harness the simplest and yet most practical source of perpetual energy in the universe.

The whole pretence of this theorem comes from the correct application of two well-documented natural occurrences. The simultaneous triggering of these two events if properly contained will provide enough energy to power the earth indefinitely.

Theory one.

Take one ordinary sliced loaf of bread (white or brown) and place into toaster. Once the slice of bread has been burned to the required amount remove it from the toaster. Go to the refrigerator and remove some margarine (Butter will also produce the effect). Proceed to spread a generous amount of margarine on one side of the toast. Now lift the toast to about shoulder height and drop it. You will notice the toast will ALWAYS land the buttered side down.

       /            \  
       \ .#######   /     Toast with a single side
       /  ######### \     coated with margarine
      |  ######.##   |    (or butter). Observe the
      |  ##.#######  |    bits of crap from the 
      |  #######.#'  |    carpet now attached to
      |  ##.######   |    the margarine (or butter)
      |    ####' '#  |    after a successful test.

Theory two.

This will require one not very high building, an open window and a pet feline (preferably post kittenhood). Take a hold of your feline by the tail and lift it towards the open window. Now before a truckload of animal rights activists bomb your car; throw the cat out of the window. It's very important to ignore the 'flight path' of the furry projectile and concentrate fully on the landing. Now providing the building wasn't too high you will notice that the cat will land perfectly on all four feet. This will happen regardless of how you throw it

      .   .    .     .  
      .   .    .     .        Observe as ground approaches
      .   .    .     .        the feet are already in a
      :   :    :     :        position to make contact
      |\_/|  ____   _         with it. Also observe the
      /O O\_/    \ //         somewhat unhappy vocalisations
     |  *  | ___  //          that the feline is producing.
      \_^_/ /   \ /
   meow!! | |   | | 
          /_/' /_/'
          `    `



Now in order to achieve perpetual energy both of these theories have to be applied simultaneously. This will require the joining of both the feline and the buttered (or margarined) toast. Many of you at this point are contemplating the feasibility of molecular bonding or specific genetic breading to produce an army of buttered toast cats poised at your command to destroy the earth. Ooops sorry, got carried away a bit there. Anyway for the benefit of this experiment we will use superglue.

                ____Buttered (or margarined) toast with
               |    the reverse side coated in superglue.
               |    Buttered side up.
      |\_/|  ====   _         
      /O O\_/    \ //         
     |  *  |  __  //          
      \_o_/  /  \ / ________ Feline.
           | |  | |
          /_/' /_/'
          `    `

Once the feline and the toast are connected you will need to apply a pivot point. I found that attaching a harness to the feline and pivoting this on a broom handle works rather well. This then allows free rotation about a single point. You could just as easily attach the harness to the prop shaft on a generator and capture the energy in a useable form.

      |\_/|  ====   _         
      /O O\_/ \/ \ //         
     |  *  |  |_  //          
      \_^_/  /0 \ / ________ Feline and toast in harness.
           | |^ | |
          /_/'| /_/'
          `   |`
              ------- Pivot point. Attached to a rather handy 
                     dandy generator of some kind.

So now that you've got the generator attached all that you need to do is to 'drop' the feline margarined (or buttered) toast device. Obviously if it's attached to a large electro magnetic generator prop shaff this wont be possible. In order to emulate this simply spin the feline about its pivot point. You will instantly notice that this 'feline toast motor' doesn't seem to be affected by friction or indeed show any sign of slowing down. Congratulations you have harnessed perpetual motion to create electrical energy. The amount of power is boundless, however there are limitations. First let me explain how this works.


Basically both the toast and the feline are attempting to right themselves during the 'fall'. At any one point either the feline or the toast will be dominant. Because the 'feline toast motor' is already in motion it is easier for the slave component to simply force an extra rotation than to reverse the direction of the rotation. Thus the motor accelerates. Since this system is completely unaffected by either gravity or friction I assume you are wondering what stops exponential acceleration? Simple, acceleration is governed principally by the distance from the pivot and the surface area of the felines paws and of course the surface area of butter (or margarine) on the toast.


As I have proven the 'feline toast motor' is a perfectly feasible and functional power source for the next millennia. It is safe, clean and free (well except the cost of the bread and the margarine (or butter)). More importantly though it's mine.

And remember...

You don't know shit about perpetual energy


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