With video games getting so much time in the press these days over various claims about children going out and committing crimes against humanity by cutting off peoples faces and setting dogs on fire. We thought it would be fitting to comprise a nice guide on how to do it properly, it seems the press and legal systems believe that games have this great ability to brainwash people into reliving aspects of the game in real life.

Myself being brought up on an unhealthy dose of Sega console games and PC first person shooters I must admit to spending a lot of time thinking about reaching high ledges by running down ramps with my legs a blur and leaping to grab shiny gold rings out of the clouds before landing uninjured on a grass coated floating platform. Its become such a habit that each day I find myself running down the street closely hugging the walls as there is less friction and of course, why take the stairs when you can rocket jump from the front garden.

How I managed to get through life without the skills I had learned through hours of gaming I'll never know. So apparently the longer you spend playing games the more the lines of reality start to blur. With today's new graphics cards being so powerful that they can be used in terrorist weapons of mass destruction, graphics are now looking so realistic that its becoming hard to tell the difference between what you see on the screen and normal life.... apparently anyway.

For this guide we shall provide a comparison of a few methods of mind control. Lets see what methods we can use.

Method 1 - Task and Reward:
Do what we ask and you get a cookie, simple technique works best on animals. They know what they get if they do what we want.

Method 2 - Electroshock Therapy:
The test subject will do what we want for fear of shock. Soon they will do what we want through natural thought.

Method 3 - Video Games:
Through the innocent act of playing an entertaining game on your computer system we shall see what effects this can have on our test subjects mind.

Method 4 - Suggestive words:
How long can it take for a simple non-direct suggestion to motivate our test subject into doing what we want.

Method 5 - Subliminal messaging:
Non-direct suggestion of tasks to see if the test subject will twig on.

Ok let's get some experiments going, our test subject for today will be a man that needs no introduction...

Experiment #1

Using method 3 (Video Games) we shall place our test subject in a seat in front of a computer screen running the game Need for Speed : Underground 2, the big selling drivey aroundy street racing game where you can put silly lights on your car and make the wheels bigger.

Our test subject drives the car around a bit, has a few races and spends his money on making the car slowly look better and mysterious out perform cars that cost several thousands more. Looks like he is enjoying it and the promise of bigger wheels after each race keeps him glued to the control pad for hours.

So Spooky, do you feel like putting neon lights on your car and driving around in an endless night time looking for people to race around with?

Spooky : "No"

Well that did well, but we haven't given up yet.

Experiment #2

Lets go for Method 4 (Suggestive words), we shall put our test subject in a situation that will occupy him for several minutes.... building a house out of Lego bricks. During which we will suggestively mutter an action to him and see if he responds.

You are thirsty, you are wanting liquid refreshment, you can feel your throat drying up, would you like to go down the pub for a bit?

Spooky : "Hell yeah"

Success! Using simple repeating phrases it was easy to convince the subject to do our wishes. Looking at the results you could say it wasn't very conclusive but well we don't care, we went down the pub anyway.

Experiment #4:

Due to the results of Experiment 2 we decided to skip Experiment 3 and proceed straight onto Method 2 (Electroshock Therapy). A technique often used to train animals into doing what we want, lets see if this can be applied to our test subject.

First of we take a nice uncased 300Watt power supply (easily found in a knackered old PC case), then we took some metal coat hangers and some pornographic reading material.

We attached the power supply to the coat hanger and placed the magazine through the coat hanger. A quick flick of the power supply switch and we are in business. We bring our test subject into the room and sit him in front of the magazine. As the test subject picks up the magazine he receives a shock. Lesson learned? not quite, the test subject tries again and receives the same shock.

Slightly puzzled he doesn't immediately reach for the magazine again and instead opts to attempt to feed the experiment organisers their own legs. The resulting conclusion is a failure for this method and some very sore looking lab technicians.

Experiment #5:

Lets take a look at Method 5 (Subliminal Messages), We recorded a sound track of pleasantly composed classical music and quietly added in a vocal track at such a level that it is almost unheard.

We snuck in the phrase "Spooky, eat the mud then stand up and cheer", this phrase was looped continuously for the duration of the track and while our test subject seemed to be responding to the hidden track we don't think the results were not conclusive enough, but still we all ended up down the pub drinking for a beer so it kind of worked out ok in the end.

Experiment #6:

Last but not least, Method 1 (Task and Reward). Another classic animal training technique is rewarding the animal with a treat every time they do something right. So we need to give our test subject a task and offer a reward for achieving it.

The prize, a cold glass of Guinness. The task, to run around the block. Easy enough, should only take 2 minutes.

So everything is ready, and off he runs, full of determination at the thought of his reward he disappears off round the first corner. 10 minutes later we are waiting around somewhat puzzled and a little concerned, even walking around the block shouldn't take this long. Maybe something serious had happened, so we split up into two groups and head around the block in opposite directions.

A small tip for those wishing to conduct their own 'Task and Reward' experiment, make sure the prize is worth the task, we later discovered our test subject lying passed out in front of his TV with an empty 6-pack of beer.

The conclusion:

So what does this all prove, is brainwashing real? can peoples minds be so easily persuaded with such simple rewards? If so does this mean that we have no control over ourselves? What works for one person might not work for another.

As you can see from the experiments above if the reward is in the interest of subject then its easy to convince someone to go for it. If they don't want the result then they wont go for it. Find out what the subject wants and find a way for them to achieve it and there you have it.

They must have the original motivation otherwise they wont go through with it, be it drinking a can of Coke or dicing up your parents because they have somehow wronged you, if you didn't want to do it in the first place, it would take more than a game to convince you that you should. Oops too 'current events' maybe?

Well Slayer is currently on the play list so I think I should go a wage war on another country for some reason.


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